Okay, two weeks now since I started this experiment. Where do I stand now?
First of all, the "better" feeling has not vanished. Rather, it has given me insights about a few things I do not get along with very well. Among those:
1. Sugars. Those days I tried to eat a larger amount of carb-based stuff (which in these cases were sugary things rather than pasta, potatoes or grains) I felt really eesh. My stomach did not really like me trying this.
2. Milk. Ouchie. Honestly, I love milk. And my body doesn't. Or rather, not anymore. Some people say it comes with age. Maybe I did not bear it very well all along. Pure milk makes me sick in no time. I haven't tried cheese, yoghurt or anything yet again. Will be an experiment for the second half of the period.
3. Combination of sugars and milk (hot chocolate, anyone?) No way. This really sucks.
Problem is: I am somewhat handicapped doing sports. At least cardio-training. Carbs deliver energy, which I don't get in this form anymore. Looks like my body needs to understand that proteins are available now, more than ever. Still, it's not the same kind of energy (I mean, there must be a reason for feeling so strangely different, right?)
Second, I eat a lot of proteins from natural sources now, and I lose weight doing that. Nearly 10 pounds in those slightly-more-than-2-weeks now. My weight is stable right now, but I guess this is due to the sugary experiments.
Funny sied-effects I cannot quite explain right now:
- my lethargy decreased
- periods of strong headaches started with the diet, which however seem to be over for the moment
- significantly decreased hunger (in the human sense of the word)
- more sleep for me
- slowly but constantly increasing vigilance
As I said, I have no idea how this is interconnected. It just happens. However, this puts me in a conflict. Originally, this diet plan was created for people who want to start their revamped diet with an extreme low carb phase, and then slowly add things from their former menus again to balance this lack of carbs with "good" (meaning starch-less or low starch) carb sources. I have no dea whether this will work for me. With a good human sense, what I am doing right now should not be able to work long-term for me. So, how to continue from here?
I guess I'll continue with the "add this product, see how I react, add the next, see again" type of variations. Until then, loads of jerky, poultry, veggies and tea.
BTW, the "no coffee, no alc" part honestly sucks. Been in boot camp 9 years ago. I could really do without that.
10/05/2010
9/21/2010
Re-vamping a diet plan
Could it be that simple? Pleeze let it be that simple.
Just trying to re-vamp my diet, on towards proteins, away from the carbs. I have done it for 4 days already and what can I day? I simply feel better. I can't even put it in words, what exactely is different. Partly, I feel more alert, less down, even though I constantly have a faint nagging somewhere in the inside of me telling me that something is missing (whatever it is, I have a guess it's not the carbs, tee hee).
I never tried it that strictly before, and I loathe cooking, even though I now do it. Constantly. Even for breakfast. Which I loathe equally, nonetheless I do it now. Sheesh.
It could be simply logical. When I looked in the mirror open-mouthed, what would I see? Teeth, right. Teeth which are not quite so omnivore as those of anyone else (I always knew that, accidently biting me at least every second week, but since I had a tooth refashioned with ceramic inplays and it was. Just. So. Different. And. Roundedged.... well, since then i notice the difference every time I touch this damn thing with my tongue. Which is about a subjectively felt million times a day.
Anyway. Teeth. Too sharp, too pointy (all of them, not only "those" ones), and all given by nature. Years ago, I had a discussion with someone (Inanna maybe, I am not 100 percent sure) about teeth and tearing up raw meat. I was told it should be impossible to tear certain muscle fibres with human teeth, thinks like heart and such. What can I say? Not for me. (Now guess how painful my occasional self-biting accident is...)
So I am a carnivore? Like in the sense of a f...ing Tyrannosaurus Rex? Maybe not quite, but it would seem so. I felt better years ago when I had a more carnivore diet than nowadays.
So, back to it. I am trying this since saturday. Looks like an ordinary low carb thing, which it basically would be, sort of. Meats, fibred veggies, eggs, end of list. Kinda at least, of couse, I drink, I spice the food, I forget this idea at times and pick at some fruits or sweets before I notice what I do.
But 4 days and I sort of feel better again. I don't do the scale-hopping-and-counting-thing right now, there may be an effect on my weight, and there may be not. But I think it is weird. Many people dieting on low carb report that they feel weakish and tired when they are too strict with themselves.
Carnivore, huh? Whatever. I'll keep an eye on this.
Just trying to re-vamp my diet, on towards proteins, away from the carbs. I have done it for 4 days already and what can I day? I simply feel better. I can't even put it in words, what exactely is different. Partly, I feel more alert, less down, even though I constantly have a faint nagging somewhere in the inside of me telling me that something is missing (whatever it is, I have a guess it's not the carbs, tee hee).
I never tried it that strictly before, and I loathe cooking, even though I now do it. Constantly. Even for breakfast. Which I loathe equally, nonetheless I do it now. Sheesh.
It could be simply logical. When I looked in the mirror open-mouthed, what would I see? Teeth, right. Teeth which are not quite so omnivore as those of anyone else (I always knew that, accidently biting me at least every second week, but since I had a tooth refashioned with ceramic inplays and it was. Just. So. Different. And. Roundedged.... well, since then i notice the difference every time I touch this damn thing with my tongue. Which is about a subjectively felt million times a day.
Anyway. Teeth. Too sharp, too pointy (all of them, not only "those" ones), and all given by nature. Years ago, I had a discussion with someone (Inanna maybe, I am not 100 percent sure) about teeth and tearing up raw meat. I was told it should be impossible to tear certain muscle fibres with human teeth, thinks like heart and such. What can I say? Not for me. (Now guess how painful my occasional self-biting accident is...)
So I am a carnivore? Like in the sense of a f...ing Tyrannosaurus Rex? Maybe not quite, but it would seem so. I felt better years ago when I had a more carnivore diet than nowadays.
So, back to it. I am trying this since saturday. Looks like an ordinary low carb thing, which it basically would be, sort of. Meats, fibred veggies, eggs, end of list. Kinda at least, of couse, I drink, I spice the food, I forget this idea at times and pick at some fruits or sweets before I notice what I do.
But 4 days and I sort of feel better again. I don't do the scale-hopping-and-counting-thing right now, there may be an effect on my weight, and there may be not. But I think it is weird. Many people dieting on low carb report that they feel weakish and tired when they are too strict with themselves.
Carnivore, huh? Whatever. I'll keep an eye on this.
9/01/2010
Attention... Dis-missed!
Today is my 9th anniversary of me being in military service now. Hooray. Not quite hooray, though, since exactely yesterday, I was informed tha my current contract will neither be prolonged nor will I ever become a full professional. End of carreer is approaching now, in absolutely exactely 3 years. Of which I may possible spend one year plus in resocialisation, schooling and other not-so-military environments.
So it's over soon. 3 years seem like nothing to me now. What did I do 3 years ago, after all? Came back from a long-term training, reintegrated into my unit, started all the chores in preparation for other long-term engagements which have only recently allowed me back home for good. Time literally flew. The next 3 years will presumably fly as well. But now I see it going somewhere.
Just where is this, after all? I now, only weeks, very few months ago, I ranted about the subjectively perceived lack of freedom in my life. The lies, the double-life, all that stuff about walking a line between to absolutely incompatible worlds. I should be raving-manic-happy about this. Freedom is approaching like the light at the end of the tunnel...
...which is a quite adequate comparison for me right now. After all, this freedom goes along with the death of my career. I never thought this way before (at least not during the last 3 years), but actually, I feel a loss I did not expect to occur.I was very close, recently, to withdraw my applications at least twice. But that's an entirely different issue. Voluntarily saying "Yep, it's over guys!" or being denied something under quite odd circumstances can hardly be compared. After all, it's not a lack of qualifications that denies me the follow-up career. It's also not bad grades in vital trainings, or anything like this.
I am too old.
Heck, a fairly new acquaintance of mine whom I hang around with about once a month just assumed I am only 24 years old. Last year, I was asked for my friggin' ID-card buying beer. And over and over again, when I tried to express my career problems (having no second chance to apply et al, complicated thing) to my superiors, they always (yesh, really always) dropped their chins to the ground acme style when I told them my age.
"No, really i would not have thought... you're kiding, right?"
Honestly? This so f***ing sucks!!!
I am being dismissed for being too old to apply. While every jerk and their neighbors dog think I am barely out of my early twens or late teens.
I am a woman. I should be friggin' happy about this, right? Right now I wonder how long it will take before I either catch up aging in rapid sped (which many folks report simply not to happen) or I start being questioned about ID card fraud.
Heck, yes, I am exaggerating. But this job thing is really getting the best of me right now. I will most likely catch myself fairly quickly. I have a thing with rapidly changing circumstances, remember? I am even already starting to make plans. Not job-related yet, but at least about moving. Somewhere. Just away from the places where I lived the last 16 years. Somewhere... dunno. Maybe where I can find more other Sangs. Or at least cool folks to hang around with. Or anything that distracts me of how sucky I feel right now.
So it's over soon. 3 years seem like nothing to me now. What did I do 3 years ago, after all? Came back from a long-term training, reintegrated into my unit, started all the chores in preparation for other long-term engagements which have only recently allowed me back home for good. Time literally flew. The next 3 years will presumably fly as well. But now I see it going somewhere.
Just where is this, after all? I now, only weeks, very few months ago, I ranted about the subjectively perceived lack of freedom in my life. The lies, the double-life, all that stuff about walking a line between to absolutely incompatible worlds. I should be raving-manic-happy about this. Freedom is approaching like the light at the end of the tunnel...
...which is a quite adequate comparison for me right now. After all, this freedom goes along with the death of my career. I never thought this way before (at least not during the last 3 years), but actually, I feel a loss I did not expect to occur.I was very close, recently, to withdraw my applications at least twice. But that's an entirely different issue. Voluntarily saying "Yep, it's over guys!" or being denied something under quite odd circumstances can hardly be compared. After all, it's not a lack of qualifications that denies me the follow-up career. It's also not bad grades in vital trainings, or anything like this.
I am too old.
Heck, a fairly new acquaintance of mine whom I hang around with about once a month just assumed I am only 24 years old. Last year, I was asked for my friggin' ID-card buying beer. And over and over again, when I tried to express my career problems (having no second chance to apply et al, complicated thing) to my superiors, they always (yesh, really always) dropped their chins to the ground acme style when I told them my age.
"No, really i would not have thought... you're kiding, right?"
Honestly? This so f***ing sucks!!!
I am being dismissed for being too old to apply. While every jerk and their neighbors dog think I am barely out of my early twens or late teens.
I am a woman. I should be friggin' happy about this, right? Right now I wonder how long it will take before I either catch up aging in rapid sped (which many folks report simply not to happen) or I start being questioned about ID card fraud.
Heck, yes, I am exaggerating. But this job thing is really getting the best of me right now. I will most likely catch myself fairly quickly. I have a thing with rapidly changing circumstances, remember? I am even already starting to make plans. Not job-related yet, but at least about moving. Somewhere. Just away from the places where I lived the last 16 years. Somewhere... dunno. Maybe where I can find more other Sangs. Or at least cool folks to hang around with. Or anything that distracts me of how sucky I feel right now.
7/31/2010
The worth of emotion
Years ago, I started to notice that my emotions were starting to numb away. I remember when I first recognized this effect: it was when I received notice that a former donor had betrayed me in a pretty nasty sense. (Back then it was about a 3000 bucks telephone bill). No matter what happened in detail, I recognized that this was a moment where I was supposed to be very angry. However, I wasn't. No shock, no surprise, no belated emotional response somewhat later-ish, just this big nothingness, and inbetween, some cold calculation whether it was worth a payback or not. I came the conclusion, it wasn't worth it, anyhow.
The only close-to-emotional response I noticed within was the intellectual recognition that under normal circumstances this whould scare me shitless about myself.
Many times since then. I have hoped, begged, prayed that this process would finally complete and rid me of my emotions alltogether. I hate these unfinished things. Being somewhat emotional and somewhat numbed is a weird thing. It is unpredictable and inconsequent. And as a matter of fact, this process has developed pretty far until now. Many things don't touch me anymore. However, those emotions that remain have grown more intense. It is a very interesting occupation to observe which things still trigger me. Music sometimes does the trick. Special well-done emotional scenes in films as well. Fictional things most of the time alltogether. Not always, though. (see last entry...)
It makes me wonder what I should make of this.
After all these years, I come to believe that I will lose more of my ability to feel normal emotions. It seems to come naturally. It's just loike getting older. It feels like losing bits and pieces of myself. The parts that make me human. Does this mean I am kinda "losing my humanity"? Like in some roleplay, value decreased from 6 to 5 or something like this? I don't know. But this is the closest thing to a working description that I could give. This is how it feels. Like losing the human in me.
On the other hand, this makes these rare moments where I really feel extremely precious to me. Even if these emotions are sometimes fiction-triggered, they make me feel alive. At least beyond a working physiology (I do live, mind ya...). Even these moments which are painful.
How did I get here? I started writing this entry after reading a book which was sort of a fictional diary of the 3rd World War. It was written from a pretty personal viewpoint, and it ended, well, with the end of the world as we know it. The books last two pages made me cry. Nevertheless it feeld good, because the emotion feels real. As real as the emotions I had on this sunny day in Scotland. And definetely more real than the numbness inbetween these moments.
I come to believe that my emotions have a high value for me, no matter what they offer me. I believe that I was young and unexperienced when I hoped they would dry ou finally. Even though I might have had my reasons. But I am not sorry for having had these thoughts. On the one hand, this is how I felt about it back then. And secondly, I simply can't feel sorry for it anymore.
The only close-to-emotional response I noticed within was the intellectual recognition that under normal circumstances this whould scare me shitless about myself.
Many times since then. I have hoped, begged, prayed that this process would finally complete and rid me of my emotions alltogether. I hate these unfinished things. Being somewhat emotional and somewhat numbed is a weird thing. It is unpredictable and inconsequent. And as a matter of fact, this process has developed pretty far until now. Many things don't touch me anymore. However, those emotions that remain have grown more intense. It is a very interesting occupation to observe which things still trigger me. Music sometimes does the trick. Special well-done emotional scenes in films as well. Fictional things most of the time alltogether. Not always, though. (see last entry...)
It makes me wonder what I should make of this.
After all these years, I come to believe that I will lose more of my ability to feel normal emotions. It seems to come naturally. It's just loike getting older. It feels like losing bits and pieces of myself. The parts that make me human. Does this mean I am kinda "losing my humanity"? Like in some roleplay, value decreased from 6 to 5 or something like this? I don't know. But this is the closest thing to a working description that I could give. This is how it feels. Like losing the human in me.
On the other hand, this makes these rare moments where I really feel extremely precious to me. Even if these emotions are sometimes fiction-triggered, they make me feel alive. At least beyond a working physiology (I do live, mind ya...). Even these moments which are painful.
How did I get here? I started writing this entry after reading a book which was sort of a fictional diary of the 3rd World War. It was written from a pretty personal viewpoint, and it ended, well, with the end of the world as we know it. The books last two pages made me cry. Nevertheless it feeld good, because the emotion feels real. As real as the emotions I had on this sunny day in Scotland. And definetely more real than the numbness inbetween these moments.
I come to believe that my emotions have a high value for me, no matter what they offer me. I believe that I was young and unexperienced when I hoped they would dry ou finally. Even though I might have had my reasons. But I am not sorry for having had these thoughts. On the one hand, this is how I felt about it back then. And secondly, I simply can't feel sorry for it anymore.
7/26/2010
My Scottish Non-Diary
Supposedly, a diary is something you write either on a daily base or at least somehow time-sensitive. I just decided to blog something from my journey to Scotland, which I started a few days ago (being the 19th) and which will end this Friday.
I am simply impressed by this part of the British isles. Not really and entirely because of all the clichés one would associate with Scotland, but rather due to some really strange thoughts that occured during part of my daily trips to various places all over here.
Let's start with last Tuesday. Apart from the usuall sightseeing, ruin-tripping and distillery-hopping that I already did last year and all the days before during this trip, I came across beautiful coastline somewhere in the very northern part of Scotland which is called Caithness. Originally I wanted to make a daytrip to the Orkneys, however, the car ferry turned out to be full and too expensive anyway. So I just drove around and stopped by some of those rare sandy beaches you sometimes find here. I spent some time sitting on a dune, watching a crystal blue sea in the full sunlight (yes, you heard me). Of course, fully sun-blocked, long-sleeved and the hoody of my sweater on. I remembered my last "real" summer vacation which by now was 17 years ago. And which will most likely have been my last one. I noticed how the sun still prickled nastily on my 50+ protected skin after I dared some crazy and blunt exposure in the "just because I can" style. On the way back to my B&B home in Beauly (close to Inverness), I kept myself from crying. Successfully.
Sunday, I changed locations, away from Beauly, on to Isle of Skye where I will spend the rest of my vacation except the very last day, which is entirely devoted to Edinburgh. Since I am here, I feel much better. In a weird way. My new hosts are a gentle Gaelic couple with a nerdish son named Paddy (ain't that supposed to be an Irish name?!) and some 10 sheep, 2 geese, uncounted chicken, some horse I haven't seen yet, a dog and 3 cats. Right now, I am sitting in the living room, the family already being fast asleep, watching 3 sleeping kittehs while I type. Two are black and one is a lucky-red-black-white-spotted beauty.
The weather here made me curious. Gentle, wet and somewhat warm-ish air which is entirely hard to describe. While the weather forecast says 13 to 15 centigrades, it feels entirely warm and cozy here. Even when it rains. Okay, the good rain veriety, coming straight from above and raining straight down. Any other variety coming from various weird directions is pretty yuck. But this just feels as right as it could. I googled the Hebrides and found out that average winter temperature is 2 to 5 centigrades, and summer is 12 to 15. Outer Hebrides, though, but Skye doesn't seem to differ too far from this. The air seems to have this high humidity all throughout the year. They call Skye "The Misty Island", which is dead true. You simply don't know where the fog ends and the clouds start. The rare blue spots in the sky don't hurt me that much. The green of the heather meadows vibrates whenever only the dimmest light hits the ground, no matter of clouds or shine.
For the first time in my life I have found a spot in the world I could really grow to love. Barely any sun. Perfect temperature. Perfect air for me to breathe. Lots of cats and sheep (okay, the latter keep running away but still...) And barely a place where one house / croft / cottage is any closer than 300 meters to each other.
Addendum for today: Looks like I stumbled into this period's McLeods clan parliament. This village is just bursting full of people. McLeods from all over the world have come here. I don't see much of it since our house is far enough from the main village, however, whenever I drive through, it's kinda funny. Want some Scottish cliché? Kilted guys all over this place, bagpipe music in the community hall, you name it, we have it. Sheesh, call this a weird timing. Until this week I didn't even know Skye is McLeod's.
I guess I will go to sleep soon. My throat hurts a little bit, got into two storms at the coast and I guess this was a little much for my current health. At least, the female half of my hosts was happy to cater me with some tea and honey. After all, they already noticed what a late bird I am, how little I eat and how drowsy I am during the earlier part of the day (did I mention that I slept until 4 p.m. yesterday?)
I am simply impressed by this part of the British isles. Not really and entirely because of all the clichés one would associate with Scotland, but rather due to some really strange thoughts that occured during part of my daily trips to various places all over here.
Let's start with last Tuesday. Apart from the usuall sightseeing, ruin-tripping and distillery-hopping that I already did last year and all the days before during this trip, I came across beautiful coastline somewhere in the very northern part of Scotland which is called Caithness. Originally I wanted to make a daytrip to the Orkneys, however, the car ferry turned out to be full and too expensive anyway. So I just drove around and stopped by some of those rare sandy beaches you sometimes find here. I spent some time sitting on a dune, watching a crystal blue sea in the full sunlight (yes, you heard me). Of course, fully sun-blocked, long-sleeved and the hoody of my sweater on. I remembered my last "real" summer vacation which by now was 17 years ago. And which will most likely have been my last one. I noticed how the sun still prickled nastily on my 50+ protected skin after I dared some crazy and blunt exposure in the "just because I can" style. On the way back to my B&B home in Beauly (close to Inverness), I kept myself from crying. Successfully.
Sunday, I changed locations, away from Beauly, on to Isle of Skye where I will spend the rest of my vacation except the very last day, which is entirely devoted to Edinburgh. Since I am here, I feel much better. In a weird way. My new hosts are a gentle Gaelic couple with a nerdish son named Paddy (ain't that supposed to be an Irish name?!) and some 10 sheep, 2 geese, uncounted chicken, some horse I haven't seen yet, a dog and 3 cats. Right now, I am sitting in the living room, the family already being fast asleep, watching 3 sleeping kittehs while I type. Two are black and one is a lucky-red-black-white-spotted beauty.
The weather here made me curious. Gentle, wet and somewhat warm-ish air which is entirely hard to describe. While the weather forecast says 13 to 15 centigrades, it feels entirely warm and cozy here. Even when it rains. Okay, the good rain veriety, coming straight from above and raining straight down. Any other variety coming from various weird directions is pretty yuck. But this just feels as right as it could. I googled the Hebrides and found out that average winter temperature is 2 to 5 centigrades, and summer is 12 to 15. Outer Hebrides, though, but Skye doesn't seem to differ too far from this. The air seems to have this high humidity all throughout the year. They call Skye "The Misty Island", which is dead true. You simply don't know where the fog ends and the clouds start. The rare blue spots in the sky don't hurt me that much. The green of the heather meadows vibrates whenever only the dimmest light hits the ground, no matter of clouds or shine.
For the first time in my life I have found a spot in the world I could really grow to love. Barely any sun. Perfect temperature. Perfect air for me to breathe. Lots of cats and sheep (okay, the latter keep running away but still...) And barely a place where one house / croft / cottage is any closer than 300 meters to each other.
Addendum for today: Looks like I stumbled into this period's McLeods clan parliament. This village is just bursting full of people. McLeods from all over the world have come here. I don't see much of it since our house is far enough from the main village, however, whenever I drive through, it's kinda funny. Want some Scottish cliché? Kilted guys all over this place, bagpipe music in the community hall, you name it, we have it. Sheesh, call this a weird timing. Until this week I didn't even know Skye is McLeod's.
I guess I will go to sleep soon. My throat hurts a little bit, got into two storms at the coast and I guess this was a little much for my current health. At least, the female half of my hosts was happy to cater me with some tea and honey. After all, they already noticed what a late bird I am, how little I eat and how drowsy I am during the earlier part of the day (did I mention that I slept until 4 p.m. yesterday?)
7/11/2010
Silly sad silence
Yes, I went incommunicado again. Yes, I am sorry. Again. My exams took the best of me, and I was a little nerve-wracked, so I withdrew myself from the public.
As usually, this is not the only reason. I get these phases once in a time when my life starts to freak out. Now it does, once again.
I have a strange feeling my vision of a vc breakdown became true since the largest and most valuable German forum is undergoing severe changes that need a good bunch of hard work to get things settled again and this may well (but need not) be the end of this community. I have seen such things happening once in a while. It can be figured out, though, but parallels are stiking me. Needless to say, around the time of my dream, nothing of this was manifesting.
Coincidence. Right.
Anyway. Maybe I'll write later. It's just to friggin' hot and all I have is a fan, no air-con or anything...
As usually, this is not the only reason. I get these phases once in a time when my life starts to freak out. Now it does, once again.
I have a strange feeling my vision of a vc breakdown became true since the largest and most valuable German forum is undergoing severe changes that need a good bunch of hard work to get things settled again and this may well (but need not) be the end of this community. I have seen such things happening once in a while. It can be figured out, though, but parallels are stiking me. Needless to say, around the time of my dream, nothing of this was manifesting.
Coincidence. Right.
Anyway. Maybe I'll write later. It's just to friggin' hot and all I have is a fan, no air-con or anything...
4/29/2010
Sun.
Hooray. Spring is finally here, so is real sunshine. Tomorrow I'll be on a festival with a good friend. Makes me remember I keep forgetting things I should better remember.
Sun is nasty. I am virtually transparent. People recognize me usually when somebody describes them a "Remember this awfully pale..." I once sent a friend a picture from a party, where someone flash-shot me in a close-up. His reaction was "This looks bad. Get some tan. I mean it." How would I tell him now how badly I cannot?
It is not like I start burning when I get exposed. But it hurts. It shows after few minutes. Freckles in weird shapes and amounts first. (I did not have a Celtic skin when I was young, now I have it. I am not even a redhead. Go, figure.) Then the burns. I even got them by indirect exposure through windows. That should not happen, I suppose. Luckily, I was with someone with similar probs that day when it happened. So I did not stick out as weird. This was last year in summer. Now this time is approaching again.
And I must say I do not quite like sunblockers. I keep forgetting them. Because they are smelling like tourist roasing centres to me.
Makes me wonder about a few things but I noticed that some people do not recognize hints when they bark in their faces. I guess some things are too obvious to be true. Lucky me that I don't sparkle, eh?
Sun is nasty. I am virtually transparent. People recognize me usually when somebody describes them a "Remember this awfully pale..." I once sent a friend a picture from a party, where someone flash-shot me in a close-up. His reaction was "This looks bad. Get some tan. I mean it." How would I tell him now how badly I cannot?
It is not like I start burning when I get exposed. But it hurts. It shows after few minutes. Freckles in weird shapes and amounts first. (I did not have a Celtic skin when I was young, now I have it. I am not even a redhead. Go, figure.) Then the burns. I even got them by indirect exposure through windows. That should not happen, I suppose. Luckily, I was with someone with similar probs that day when it happened. So I did not stick out as weird. This was last year in summer. Now this time is approaching again.
And I must say I do not quite like sunblockers. I keep forgetting them. Because they are smelling like tourist roasing centres to me.
Makes me wonder about a few things but I noticed that some people do not recognize hints when they bark in their faces. I guess some things are too obvious to be true. Lucky me that I don't sparkle, eh?
Approaching the exams
I have been away for quite a while. It happens. I tend to go incommunicado when things are tensing up. And nowe that I am approaching some final exams (once again, seems I am never getting out of schools, academies and stuff like that alhough I am slowly ugrowing that stuff, really now!) and since I am feeling a little less tension now, just wanted to say: hi, I am still out there. I have not forgotten the translations and articles I am still up to and I will work on them as soon as I am back to my old self.
Now, what happened inbetween? A lot, and barely anything. I went to a VC meeting in Germany. Things I usually avoid, but I had friends to meet and friends driving with me. And it was an experience worth being made. For a number of reasons. The most obvious being: Vampires are people. Just as much as anyone else. Doing people stuff and showing people behavior. Not too surprising, after all, right?
Then, I had a long distance visitor from switzerland, a swan whom I really respect and admire for a number of reasons. A gifted and talented person she is, lots of brains and anything but shy. Lolz we had!
It is damn hard to try to fit 2 months into one single article, thus I will refrain from trying. It makes no sense. I have made up my mind about a few things but I can hardly write as many articles as I had thoughts on issues concering v-things. But rest assured, I also wasted a lt of wonderful, splendid time just on taking a break from academy, enjoying the fact that there is no more SNOW although spring is creeping in slowly this year. The leaves are still somewhat thin-ish and small even though it is nearly May. I just caught a May beetle in my working room. They are somewhat annoying since they usually come in masses. And they bite. And I cannot keep my window open at night anymore. Oh did I say I am on full night schedule again at thze moment? I am already worrying about how to handle this problem whe getting back to my normal duty. And guess, I can think of no proper solution right now.
Oh well. More soon. At least I want to split it into several articles.
Now, what happened inbetween? A lot, and barely anything. I went to a VC meeting in Germany. Things I usually avoid, but I had friends to meet and friends driving with me. And it was an experience worth being made. For a number of reasons. The most obvious being: Vampires are people. Just as much as anyone else. Doing people stuff and showing people behavior. Not too surprising, after all, right?
Then, I had a long distance visitor from switzerland, a swan whom I really respect and admire for a number of reasons. A gifted and talented person she is, lots of brains and anything but shy. Lolz we had!
It is damn hard to try to fit 2 months into one single article, thus I will refrain from trying. It makes no sense. I have made up my mind about a few things but I can hardly write as many articles as I had thoughts on issues concering v-things. But rest assured, I also wasted a lt of wonderful, splendid time just on taking a break from academy, enjoying the fact that there is no more SNOW although spring is creeping in slowly this year. The leaves are still somewhat thin-ish and small even though it is nearly May. I just caught a May beetle in my working room. They are somewhat annoying since they usually come in masses. And they bite. And I cannot keep my window open at night anymore. Oh did I say I am on full night schedule again at thze moment? I am already worrying about how to handle this problem whe getting back to my normal duty. And guess, I can think of no proper solution right now.
Oh well. More soon. At least I want to split it into several articles.
3/18/2010
Life suxx... literally
Sometimes life suxx. There's little more to say.
On a second note... why not.
Stupidity suxx. A friend of mine gave me the wrong information about which mobile net he is using. I got the number, could have researched it myself, but I trusted his intelligence (he is intelligent, rather). Now I pay the bill for it. 300 bucks extra mobile costs for a wrong information. Guess how I responded in my last email to him.
Education suxx. It drains the last bit of energy out of me. I am spending and wasting time while I could already be working on my upcoming homework. But this week I have to be present for things not really useful. Oh well.
Driving suxx. I have to be home this weekend, which means 600 miles of driving (return included). Just to be here on monday, receive my homework and go back home. Another 90-something extra bucks wasted for driving.
People suck as well. Everybody gets on my nerves. I am not talking people dear to me but people I cannot stand and which I don't need. Sheesh...
So please bear with me while I am being incommunicado. Things just literally suck at the moment and I need a break...
On a second note... why not.
Stupidity suxx. A friend of mine gave me the wrong information about which mobile net he is using. I got the number, could have researched it myself, but I trusted his intelligence (he is intelligent, rather). Now I pay the bill for it. 300 bucks extra mobile costs for a wrong information. Guess how I responded in my last email to him.
Education suxx. It drains the last bit of energy out of me. I am spending and wasting time while I could already be working on my upcoming homework. But this week I have to be present for things not really useful. Oh well.
Driving suxx. I have to be home this weekend, which means 600 miles of driving (return included). Just to be here on monday, receive my homework and go back home. Another 90-something extra bucks wasted for driving.
People suck as well. Everybody gets on my nerves. I am not talking people dear to me but people I cannot stand and which I don't need. Sheesh...
So please bear with me while I am being incommunicado. Things just literally suck at the moment and I need a break...
3/01/2010
Strange dreams, embarassing symbols
I had one weird dream this night... I hate when this happens. Sometimes, after such weird dreams weird things follow up that match these dreams too closely. Bad thing is, however, that the feeling of whether this is one of "these" dreams and what exactely would happen (or when, even) usually is too faint. The last time this happened in full effect (dream plus consequences) is 9 years ago. Back then, it was a strange and frightening dream, which I reported to only one, two friends, and what happened was about half a year later. But the connection, despite the long distance of time, was painfully obvious.
Now, back to the present case. Usually, when there is a heavy rainstorm outside, I dream of rain and spiders. Or at least of rain. Not this time. I dreamt of a pretty freakish scenario. It was one ordinary, beautiful day. I was living wit my family (I had a husband and children, could you imagine? I can't...) and then suddenly, I was informed (I can't remember how) that a comet was about to hit the earth and destroy everything. We were all pretty desparate. But frankly, our main concern was: why did the government not inform us in due time? We suspected it was because they would not want us to break lose in total chaos, since nobody could change anything about it.
Strange enough, life around us went on as usual. No panic, no riots, no specials on TV, no nothing. We ourselves went on as usual as much as we could. Only thing was that we went out of the house when it was supposed to happen because we knew we were not safe inside the house anyway, and we wanted to see it coming. When the countdown was over, we saw nothing, and nothing happened. We were informed later (again, no Idea how) that a) some brave folks were able to make this comet pass with only little harm (it had to do with the ocean but I don't get that part straight) and b) the comet was only to affect vampires. Not all life on earth. Me and my family were shocked to the bones. After all, we all had been vampires. The kids included.
Now gimme a break... vampiric kids? A comet that only affects vampires?? Come on, folks! That is so lame, even WW had it before me! This is embarassing!! (Meh... at least it was not a red comet...)
If anything, I am willing to interpret this stuff metaphorically. Maybe as "something that might have a deep and destructive impact on the VC at large or in my region" at best. Something potentially harmful for everyone (even for later generations) that can be prevented, be turned into something less harmful or even good by a few main actors. But I have absolutely no clue what tis would be. Or, as I said, whether this will happen at all. Or when, if. But I feel warned. It was a dream scary enough to be one of "those" dreams. They do sometimes come in weird metaphors.
Even made me confused enough to completely forget where I parked my car. Thus walk the distance twice. Thus be late for academy. Oh well.
Now, back to the present case. Usually, when there is a heavy rainstorm outside, I dream of rain and spiders. Or at least of rain. Not this time. I dreamt of a pretty freakish scenario. It was one ordinary, beautiful day. I was living wit my family (I had a husband and children, could you imagine? I can't...) and then suddenly, I was informed (I can't remember how) that a comet was about to hit the earth and destroy everything. We were all pretty desparate. But frankly, our main concern was: why did the government not inform us in due time? We suspected it was because they would not want us to break lose in total chaos, since nobody could change anything about it.
Strange enough, life around us went on as usual. No panic, no riots, no specials on TV, no nothing. We ourselves went on as usual as much as we could. Only thing was that we went out of the house when it was supposed to happen because we knew we were not safe inside the house anyway, and we wanted to see it coming. When the countdown was over, we saw nothing, and nothing happened. We were informed later (again, no Idea how) that a) some brave folks were able to make this comet pass with only little harm (it had to do with the ocean but I don't get that part straight) and b) the comet was only to affect vampires. Not all life on earth. Me and my family were shocked to the bones. After all, we all had been vampires. The kids included.
Now gimme a break... vampiric kids? A comet that only affects vampires?? Come on, folks! That is so lame, even WW had it before me! This is embarassing!! (Meh... at least it was not a red comet...)
If anything, I am willing to interpret this stuff metaphorically. Maybe as "something that might have a deep and destructive impact on the VC at large or in my region" at best. Something potentially harmful for everyone (even for later generations) that can be prevented, be turned into something less harmful or even good by a few main actors. But I have absolutely no clue what tis would be. Or, as I said, whether this will happen at all. Or when, if. But I feel warned. It was a dream scary enough to be one of "those" dreams. They do sometimes come in weird metaphors.
Even made me confused enough to completely forget where I parked my car. Thus walk the distance twice. Thus be late for academy. Oh well.
2/28/2010
One step back in time - Thoughts and memories
A current discussion (just right now as I am typing these words) reminded me of something that happened 16 years ago. On the one hand I keep tinking about this on and off, on the other hand, it is always different thoughts that keek coming o my mind, connected with the same memory. The night that changed my life.
Many discussions I had about this incident in the VC, many of which were not exactely pleasant, but I will get back to this on a different note sometime later. At this very moment, my thoughts are occupied with the nature that lies beneath the surface of each and any of us. The Beast.
I have a pretty nasty incident behind me. That what everybody usually calls "Awakening" was not very "enlightening" or "awakening" for me, nor did it come slowly, or gradually, or during puberty. It was one single night and it was pretty... violent. It left scars on my body which I still have today. And I sometimes wonder if there is any good in this. People keep saying that you have to find something good in everything that happens to you, otherwise things will eventuelly drive you crazy. Now, I am not close enough to crazy yet, but I keep wondering about the good things in such an event.
The fact is: I think I might have found something tonight. After 16 years of pondering, ignoring, neglecting, things boiling up again, I finally come to a conclusion.
The things that happened to me might have helped in finally coming to terms with that part of our nature that is often hush-hushed away in discussions and public statements. We do have a violent, animalistic, predatory part in our personality. More than most "normal" human beings have. Thereians have it, too. Even those who don't drink blood. It breaks out with no or little warning sometimes, it can take control of our thoughts and actions. It can hurt people badly, verbally but also physical. The physical side of this beast has marked my body for the rest of my life. It reminds me that I am different, just in the same manner as the man is who has caused these marks. It gives me no room for the illusion that I might be just as human as everybody else.
For I am not. I am differrent in a sense. I feel it whenever I am underfed and hungry. I feel it when somebody crosses my territory, my friends, my private space. I feel it when someone pushes my red buttons. I mean the real evil ones, not just topics I don't like. I feel it when I notice there is somebody around who I don't like to have around, another vampire, for instance, that I don't consider friend, family or at least "no treat".
Sounds like game? Yeah, I know. This part I think, the games and books have copied from reality. It is no secret that certain authors of a certain game used to hang around places where they could have caught up something from the real world of darkness out here.
The Beast is there. It does not make us any more human than we were before we changed, no matter how and why we changed. It makes us less human with the years, I suspect because I sometimes feel this gradual loss of certain... things I used to have still years before. Enough stuff for a new post on a different night.
But what I really wanted to say is: Thanks, "dad", for reminding me of what I am. For as long as I will live.
Many discussions I had about this incident in the VC, many of which were not exactely pleasant, but I will get back to this on a different note sometime later. At this very moment, my thoughts are occupied with the nature that lies beneath the surface of each and any of us. The Beast.
I have a pretty nasty incident behind me. That what everybody usually calls "Awakening" was not very "enlightening" or "awakening" for me, nor did it come slowly, or gradually, or during puberty. It was one single night and it was pretty... violent. It left scars on my body which I still have today. And I sometimes wonder if there is any good in this. People keep saying that you have to find something good in everything that happens to you, otherwise things will eventuelly drive you crazy. Now, I am not close enough to crazy yet, but I keep wondering about the good things in such an event.
The fact is: I think I might have found something tonight. After 16 years of pondering, ignoring, neglecting, things boiling up again, I finally come to a conclusion.
The things that happened to me might have helped in finally coming to terms with that part of our nature that is often hush-hushed away in discussions and public statements. We do have a violent, animalistic, predatory part in our personality. More than most "normal" human beings have. Thereians have it, too. Even those who don't drink blood. It breaks out with no or little warning sometimes, it can take control of our thoughts and actions. It can hurt people badly, verbally but also physical. The physical side of this beast has marked my body for the rest of my life. It reminds me that I am different, just in the same manner as the man is who has caused these marks. It gives me no room for the illusion that I might be just as human as everybody else.
For I am not. I am differrent in a sense. I feel it whenever I am underfed and hungry. I feel it when somebody crosses my territory, my friends, my private space. I feel it when someone pushes my red buttons. I mean the real evil ones, not just topics I don't like. I feel it when I notice there is somebody around who I don't like to have around, another vampire, for instance, that I don't consider friend, family or at least "no treat".
Sounds like game? Yeah, I know. This part I think, the games and books have copied from reality. It is no secret that certain authors of a certain game used to hang around places where they could have caught up something from the real world of darkness out here.
The Beast is there. It does not make us any more human than we were before we changed, no matter how and why we changed. It makes us less human with the years, I suspect because I sometimes feel this gradual loss of certain... things I used to have still years before. Enough stuff for a new post on a different night.
But what I really wanted to say is: Thanks, "dad", for reminding me of what I am. For as long as I will live.
2/26/2010
Got stress er somethin'?
Hooray, I am perfectly healthy. Hormons: check. Thyroid glands: check. I have no condition. Once again. This is so tiring. Last night, I slept 14 hours. For no apparent reason. Once again. But I am perfectly healthy. How do I know that?
I know it when the docs ask me questions like "Got stress at the moment? Any psychological pressure? We could advise you to see a neurologist..."
This always happens when they find nothing. I have been through this all before, appr. 10 years ago. I decided to cut this crap for the moment, since I have a training to complete and only 15 days of lectures netto. I can't affort a catscan marathon just right now. May onwards, maybe. But not now. Not again. Not with the perspective of again finding nothing.
I know it when the docs ask me questions like "Got stress at the moment? Any psychological pressure? We could advise you to see a neurologist..."
This always happens when they find nothing. I have been through this all before, appr. 10 years ago. I decided to cut this crap for the moment, since I have a training to complete and only 15 days of lectures netto. I can't affort a catscan marathon just right now. May onwards, maybe. But not now. Not again. Not with the perspective of again finding nothing.
2/25/2010
Same Old. Once again.
Same old. Same old youngsters, especially.
It is somewhat tiring to encounter them, even though everybody knows they are everywhere. You know the feeling? Someone enters the chatroom. Has one of THOSE nicks. Dark-Shadow-Bloody-something-ish. Acts like (s)he was the only one in this whole bunch who knows what a vampire is. Laments about how below-their-level normal human beings are. This time it was "Was this place created by a magical being? Or by a mere human? Sorry, no harm intended..." Claims some awkward stuff about how a vampire must be, otherwise he is no vampire. This time it was "Vampires have some sort of a supernatural hunting ability (speed, invisibility, attraction, fill in as you desire), otherwise..." you know the rest.
Now what happens when you verbally challenge them is extremely funny.
Sasha: "Okay, now you are a vampire. What is YOUR supernatural hunting ability then?"
Shadow-something: "Hm, what? I can't follow you."
Sasha: "Oh really? This was an easy question. What is your supernatural ability?"
Shadow-something: "Hm? I can't keep up with you. See, I am only chatting for two years, this is all a little complicated for me."
Sasha: "Okay, then slowly again for you. You say you are a vampire. You say vampires MUST have supernatural abilities. Otherwise they are no vampires. So what is yours?"
Shadow-something: "Gotta go, I am out of time. See you all later. Bye."
Now, was this question really so difficult? I kinda like this evasive attitude as soon as these super-old know-it-all folks who really just joined two days ago show as soon as they are confronted with their own statements. Not. It bores me. It makes me wanna scream "Hold it, butthead, ten dozends of your comerades tried this stunt before this year, they all failed. Like you. This SO BORES me..."
Why is it so extraordinarily difficult to simply say "Hi, I am new, can we simply talk?" Why do people seemingly so often wish to be older than just everybody else? Why do they need to claim supernatural superpowers beyond the weirdness our daily not-so-daily life already brings along? What fun is there in playing this lame "But I am the more vampish vampire than you" game?
I have been wondering about this so many times. Guess what... still no answer.
It is somewhat tiring to encounter them, even though everybody knows they are everywhere. You know the feeling? Someone enters the chatroom. Has one of THOSE nicks. Dark-Shadow-Bloody-something-ish. Acts like (s)he was the only one in this whole bunch who knows what a vampire is. Laments about how below-their-level normal human beings are. This time it was "Was this place created by a magical being? Or by a mere human? Sorry, no harm intended..." Claims some awkward stuff about how a vampire must be, otherwise he is no vampire. This time it was "Vampires have some sort of a supernatural hunting ability (speed, invisibility, attraction, fill in as you desire), otherwise..." you know the rest.
Now what happens when you verbally challenge them is extremely funny.
Sasha: "Okay, now you are a vampire. What is YOUR supernatural hunting ability then?"
Shadow-something: "Hm, what? I can't follow you."
Sasha: "Oh really? This was an easy question. What is your supernatural ability?"
Shadow-something: "Hm? I can't keep up with you. See, I am only chatting for two years, this is all a little complicated for me."
Sasha: "Okay, then slowly again for you. You say you are a vampire. You say vampires MUST have supernatural abilities. Otherwise they are no vampires. So what is yours?"
Shadow-something: "Gotta go, I am out of time. See you all later. Bye."
Now, was this question really so difficult? I kinda like this evasive attitude as soon as these super-old know-it-all folks who really just joined two days ago show as soon as they are confronted with their own statements. Not. It bores me. It makes me wanna scream "Hold it, butthead, ten dozends of your comerades tried this stunt before this year, they all failed. Like you. This SO BORES me..."
Why is it so extraordinarily difficult to simply say "Hi, I am new, can we simply talk?" Why do people seemingly so often wish to be older than just everybody else? Why do they need to claim supernatural superpowers beyond the weirdness our daily not-so-daily life already brings along? What fun is there in playing this lame "But I am the more vampish vampire than you" game?
I have been wondering about this so many times. Guess what... still no answer.
2/23/2010
Health Issues
Looks like I finally could have a condition that can be determined: hypothyroidism. It is not sure yet whether I really have it or not, but I am in the middle of having it checked out. The symptoms at least all have slowly appeared over the last weeks. It runs in my family, females only, though. By now some of the symptoms have reached a nasty level.
For some strange reason, I would even be happy with that diagnosis. Knowing what is wrong is always better than this feeling of incertainty. I remember I went to the thyroid check 10 years ago but was sent home, nobody believed me, even though my values were bad enough to wonder. Just not bad enough to act, it seems. This would put an end to it, finally. Medication would probably work fine, a vamp acquaintance of mine has it too and she is very happy with the treatment.
Which again brings me back to the question of how things are sometimes intertwined.
Maybe, a few folks might possibly wonder "Maybe this was all about the thyroid? Maybe all the other probs go away as well?" Well, I dare a guess at the answer, saying "No, some things won't change". After all, these conditions don't match very well in their symptoms. I will just get rid of some problems maybe. Tiredness, throat aches, voice problems, weight problems which occured only recently, etc. Everything else will keep bugging me.
But having only half the trouble would be a good start, I think. I don't mind having two conditions. If it only means having half the trouble if one of them is treatable.
For some strange reason, I would even be happy with that diagnosis. Knowing what is wrong is always better than this feeling of incertainty. I remember I went to the thyroid check 10 years ago but was sent home, nobody believed me, even though my values were bad enough to wonder. Just not bad enough to act, it seems. This would put an end to it, finally. Medication would probably work fine, a vamp acquaintance of mine has it too and she is very happy with the treatment.
Which again brings me back to the question of how things are sometimes intertwined.
Maybe, a few folks might possibly wonder "Maybe this was all about the thyroid? Maybe all the other probs go away as well?" Well, I dare a guess at the answer, saying "No, some things won't change". After all, these conditions don't match very well in their symptoms. I will just get rid of some problems maybe. Tiredness, throat aches, voice problems, weight problems which occured only recently, etc. Everything else will keep bugging me.
But having only half the trouble would be a good start, I think. I don't mind having two conditions. If it only means having half the trouble if one of them is treatable.
2/18/2010
Poetic Justice
This night was very interesting. I learned something about my own past and offspring. By sheer accident. In our German chat, there was a somewhat elderly person with a long standing history of vampirism in Germany. We did not get along very well, because he loathes the US scene, for reasons he would not reveal. I was then told that supposedly, this man led a life that was supposedly "destroyed" by the surfacing of the US scene. I had to dig into it more deeply to understand this, and what I found is a really strange story. But back to the beginning.
Europe has an old scene, older than I originally imagined. First traces in the 80's in Good Old Britain. Offspins in Eastern and Middle Germany already in the late 80's and early 90's. I read a text that pinpointed Berlin as one of the cities where it started.
When I joined the VC in 1997, I was a sang already for 3 years. But I had not awakened by accident, out of the blue or during puberty. Someone had forced me into it. For years, this was a topic of heated debates. I fought against many people who dogmatically promoted that an externally triggered awakening, no matter how this is understood, is not possible. Politically, this reaction is understandable. The scene would otherwise be swamped with embrace requests. It is, anyway, I remember such requests all to well. But the political correctness of this statement does not change my life and my experiences.
Now comes the funny part. The event that triggered my "career" as a blooddrinker happened 1994 in Berlin. I always thought the man who well, did what he did was a solitary creature. The way he lived, the thoughts he promoted, this all appeared so weird to me that I believed, someone like him could not belong to any kind of community. But I also faintly remember we visited a shop in Berlin, and I remember the strange looks the owner gave me when he saw me in company of this person.
Details of this all aside, this man dropped me, left me alone, even mocked me. I had to find my own way. This, after all, is the reason why I joined the VC, created one of the first pages. Here, I found friends and support for many years. I was able to offer some of it, myself, after all. And now, many years later, I am part of the German scene which did not seemingly exist back when I started, or rather - what I now understand - was too secretive and inaccessible for me to find.
To make a long story short: This man in our chat who attacked me for no other reason than being part of the US-VC, whos lifestyle was supposedly destroyed by the US-VC, is part of a scene that might be the reason why I helped the US-VC emerging. Given, of course, that the man whom I met back in 1994 was possibly (not necessarily) part of it, too. But hey, early 90's, vampires, Berlin, wouldn't this be extremely funny if it was just a coincidence?
Now, isn't this paradox?
Europe has an old scene, older than I originally imagined. First traces in the 80's in Good Old Britain. Offspins in Eastern and Middle Germany already in the late 80's and early 90's. I read a text that pinpointed Berlin as one of the cities where it started.
When I joined the VC in 1997, I was a sang already for 3 years. But I had not awakened by accident, out of the blue or during puberty. Someone had forced me into it. For years, this was a topic of heated debates. I fought against many people who dogmatically promoted that an externally triggered awakening, no matter how this is understood, is not possible. Politically, this reaction is understandable. The scene would otherwise be swamped with embrace requests. It is, anyway, I remember such requests all to well. But the political correctness of this statement does not change my life and my experiences.
Now comes the funny part. The event that triggered my "career" as a blooddrinker happened 1994 in Berlin. I always thought the man who well, did what he did was a solitary creature. The way he lived, the thoughts he promoted, this all appeared so weird to me that I believed, someone like him could not belong to any kind of community. But I also faintly remember we visited a shop in Berlin, and I remember the strange looks the owner gave me when he saw me in company of this person.
Details of this all aside, this man dropped me, left me alone, even mocked me. I had to find my own way. This, after all, is the reason why I joined the VC, created one of the first pages. Here, I found friends and support for many years. I was able to offer some of it, myself, after all. And now, many years later, I am part of the German scene which did not seemingly exist back when I started, or rather - what I now understand - was too secretive and inaccessible for me to find.
To make a long story short: This man in our chat who attacked me for no other reason than being part of the US-VC, whos lifestyle was supposedly destroyed by the US-VC, is part of a scene that might be the reason why I helped the US-VC emerging. Given, of course, that the man whom I met back in 1994 was possibly (not necessarily) part of it, too. But hey, early 90's, vampires, Berlin, wouldn't this be extremely funny if it was just a coincidence?
Now, isn't this paradox?
Vampspotting
Vampspotting is not a new film. It is no strange hobby (it might be for some tho). It is a phenomenon to which I grant this name. Many of us have experienced it before, no matter whether they are swan or vamp.
Swans do it. Sometimes they simply single you out, come up to you and "I know what you are". Bam, right in your face. Vamps do it. Sometimes you walk around and suddenly you see someone and you simply know it.
I was spottet several times. My first regular donor spotted me. I broke out in tears when he confronted me. I was only months "old" so to say. A religious fanatic did it. No pleasure. My sister did it. Grabbed me during a party and talked me into the topic out of the blue. I did it. I saw some of us, found out later I was right.
I have no real explanation why this happens. Why can swans single us out, why can vamps, is it the same phenomenon? I sometimes believe (I don't think I am alone here) that we, the vamps that is, have a certain "radiation", "aura" or "signature" that attracts the attention of certain people. And repells others. Those who feel attracted are swans and other vamps. Those who are repelled are... well, those who see us and react aggressive for no apparent reason. Maybe it helps us to find out whom to trust. Where to find nourishment. I am not sure.
Sure I am that it is real and that it works. I have so many friends reporting the same phenomenon independently. People who don't even look goth or dark or vamp-ish report being vampspotted. Accident or phenomenon, it is there. And sometimes it scares the shit out of me. Sometime I think it is simply amusing. Like a game one can play when strolling around in the right areas. Makes me wonder if it could ever be proven. Pheromones, Kirilian photography, no matter how. It just makes me curious.
Swans do it. Sometimes they simply single you out, come up to you and "I know what you are". Bam, right in your face. Vamps do it. Sometimes you walk around and suddenly you see someone and you simply know it.
I was spottet several times. My first regular donor spotted me. I broke out in tears when he confronted me. I was only months "old" so to say. A religious fanatic did it. No pleasure. My sister did it. Grabbed me during a party and talked me into the topic out of the blue. I did it. I saw some of us, found out later I was right.
I have no real explanation why this happens. Why can swans single us out, why can vamps, is it the same phenomenon? I sometimes believe (I don't think I am alone here) that we, the vamps that is, have a certain "radiation", "aura" or "signature" that attracts the attention of certain people. And repells others. Those who feel attracted are swans and other vamps. Those who are repelled are... well, those who see us and react aggressive for no apparent reason. Maybe it helps us to find out whom to trust. Where to find nourishment. I am not sure.
Sure I am that it is real and that it works. I have so many friends reporting the same phenomenon independently. People who don't even look goth or dark or vamp-ish report being vampspotted. Accident or phenomenon, it is there. And sometimes it scares the shit out of me. Sometime I think it is simply amusing. Like a game one can play when strolling around in the right areas. Makes me wonder if it could ever be proven. Pheromones, Kirilian photography, no matter how. It just makes me curious.
Brain @ work
Finally, my brain gets some food again. I have started to write a few translations for sanguinarius.org, partly, for the usage on the original page, but also for the potential benefit of a German support page. For some reason, this gets me more activated than some of my current academy stuff. The reasons for this are numerous and not very interesting, but it gives me hope. Right now, after these intense phases of exhaustion and sleepiness, this is a very welcome development. It gets me back to work within the community, it gives me food for thought for my own materials, German and English alike. It makes me think about future projects. It is difficult to imagine that over here, we never had one single polling or research on relevant topics. As to now, it is all rants, discussions, opinions and thougts.
On a side note: problems are the same everywhere. Right now, I am quarreling with some people gworing their own little garden of personal feudes and fights, disturbing the community, small as it is. One would think this happens all the time, but right now, I have a certain yet vague feeling that something is "not as usual". Since the involved parties are soon to take part in a somewhat large-ish meetup, it concerns me. Yet, there is still 6 weeks to eventuelly resolve this potential problem...
Oh well. Back to writing.
On a side note: problems are the same everywhere. Right now, I am quarreling with some people gworing their own little garden of personal feudes and fights, disturbing the community, small as it is. One would think this happens all the time, but right now, I have a certain yet vague feeling that something is "not as usual". Since the involved parties are soon to take part in a somewhat large-ish meetup, it concerns me. Yet, there is still 6 weeks to eventuelly resolve this potential problem...
Oh well. Back to writing.
2/13/2010
Attack of the sleep monster
Been sleeping. I came back from the academy friday afternoon, 4 PM. Went to sleep. Woke up around midnight. Went to chat a bit. Became sleepy again. Went to sleep. Slept until noon. Went to do stuff, phone someone, chat a bit. Went to sleep. Another 8 hours. Now I am sitting here and wondering what the hell is happening here. Especially since most of my daytime sleep phases go totally dreamless, like some sort of weird "sleepy coma".
Guess I am out of... energy. Actually I wanted to write about something entirely different originally, but I think I will delay that for my own sake. I am just starting to feel somewhat acceptable, so no need to trigger anything that would make me feel even less comfortable.
Guess I am out of... energy. Actually I wanted to write about something entirely different originally, but I think I will delay that for my own sake. I am just starting to feel somewhat acceptable, so no need to trigger anything that would make me feel even less comfortable.
2/12/2010
Diggin' history
Right now, I am digging the web for snippets of the past that I still remember. It looks as if my Google skills are slowly improving again, since I am starting to find stuff. And what I found is really amazing me. Someone did the work to preserve the old VRI guestbook (originally found at http://users.aol.com/LirielMc/private/vri.htm). Or at least parts of it.
http://members.fortunecity.com/thearchives/vri/vrimar.html
I have no idea who built this site. I will dare a guess and say Liriel placed it there as a last remainder of the page which was discontinued 2002 and taken offline 2005. The index page is not working anymore, also, the links within the document structure are dysfunctional, however, these pages still exist. For now, you can find them all by modifying the last thee letters before the .htm towards the remaining months names.This is, however, less than 20 percent of the original contents.
I have decided to save those pages offline for the moment and maybe convert them into .pdf for the sake of preserving them. Archive.org did it once again and preserved the old versions of the site until approximately March 2000. But it makes me wonder... So much material from the old times has simply vanished. I mean, what did we have back then? There was the Vampire White Pages. There was the VRI guestbook. There was an obscure little corner called the OOD. Shortly afterwards, HOM and the first growing sites and places. Those who made it saved the relevant files to a certain degree. But what about all my first emails, guestbook-discussions, the old-old VCMB stuff? I believe it is long gone. I cannot even find the first version of Sangis Bloody Minded board anymore on archive.org. The first preserved VCMB design is already a later version.
However, this example shows me that it is worth trying to find information long lost. I loved reading through all these old postings. Lolz we had... and a lot of rants and raves. And I was like... young... I better stop reading before I get all anachronistic and stuff...
http://members.fortunecity.com/thearchives/vri/vrimar.html
I have no idea who built this site. I will dare a guess and say Liriel placed it there as a last remainder of the page which was discontinued 2002 and taken offline 2005. The index page is not working anymore, also, the links within the document structure are dysfunctional, however, these pages still exist. For now, you can find them all by modifying the last thee letters before the .htm towards the remaining months names.This is, however, less than 20 percent of the original contents.
I have decided to save those pages offline for the moment and maybe convert them into .pdf for the sake of preserving them. Archive.org did it once again and preserved the old versions of the site until approximately March 2000. But it makes me wonder... So much material from the old times has simply vanished. I mean, what did we have back then? There was the Vampire White Pages. There was the VRI guestbook. There was an obscure little corner called the OOD. Shortly afterwards, HOM and the first growing sites and places. Those who made it saved the relevant files to a certain degree. But what about all my first emails, guestbook-discussions, the old-old VCMB stuff? I believe it is long gone. I cannot even find the first version of Sangis Bloody Minded board anymore on archive.org. The first preserved VCMB design is already a later version.
However, this example shows me that it is worth trying to find information long lost. I loved reading through all these old postings. Lolz we had... and a lot of rants and raves. And I was like... young... I better stop reading before I get all anachronistic and stuff...
2/11/2010
The day I hated my life
...was today. I had soem sort of a frenzy-like fit again. It came out of the blue. Usually, I am not into moodswings, but recently, I had some of them. Could be due to the fact I am severely underfed. No, it is pretty likely that this is the reason. But there is yet another one: SNOW.
I loathe snow. I hate it so much by now that it makes me want to scream as soon as I see it. As a child, I loved snow. Last year, after all these debates on the changing climate, I wanted to see some snow again, since I haven't seen any in years. Yeah, some! Not tons of it. Now I have had enough of it for another two decades.
I hate it because my car is not snow-ready. No chains, summer-profile. I cannot move this damn soup-can until the snow is gone. It is snowing since Xmas, there was no single day until right now without friggin' snow. The last time I wanted to get home (which is appr. 300 miles away right now) I needed to take a train. And German trains are as unreliable as... fill in anything you like as long as it makes you scream. I nearly did not make it home because of all those delays and subsequently missed trains. Now I am virtually locked up in a city I hate, not able to get out.
This means I cannot get home to take care of my issues.
I cannot get to see any of my swans.
No way to see my family.
No way to see any goddamn person that means something to me.
Until this damn snow goes away or at least melts to a degree that enables me to drive again.
I just came from perking into the weather channel. Guess what.
Snow the entire nex week. Traffic warnings not even to use the car. They talk about winter-ready cars, mind you.
And I desperately need to be at home in 9 days from now.
This is the day I hate my life. Not because of being a vampire. (Which, on a side note, doesn't make it easier, but oh well.) But because of this friggin' SNOW. I just so hate it...
I loathe snow. I hate it so much by now that it makes me want to scream as soon as I see it. As a child, I loved snow. Last year, after all these debates on the changing climate, I wanted to see some snow again, since I haven't seen any in years. Yeah, some! Not tons of it. Now I have had enough of it for another two decades.
I hate it because my car is not snow-ready. No chains, summer-profile. I cannot move this damn soup-can until the snow is gone. It is snowing since Xmas, there was no single day until right now without friggin' snow. The last time I wanted to get home (which is appr. 300 miles away right now) I needed to take a train. And German trains are as unreliable as... fill in anything you like as long as it makes you scream. I nearly did not make it home because of all those delays and subsequently missed trains. Now I am virtually locked up in a city I hate, not able to get out.
This means I cannot get home to take care of my issues.
I cannot get to see any of my swans.
No way to see my family.
No way to see any goddamn person that means something to me.
Until this damn snow goes away or at least melts to a degree that enables me to drive again.
I just came from perking into the weather channel. Guess what.
Snow the entire nex week. Traffic warnings not even to use the car. They talk about winter-ready cars, mind you.
And I desperately need to be at home in 9 days from now.
This is the day I hate my life. Not because of being a vampire. (Which, on a side note, doesn't make it easier, but oh well.) But because of this friggin' SNOW. I just so hate it...
2/10/2010
Crono-issues
Right now, directly out of an ongoing discussions, I need to think about this whole chronotype issue again and how it affects my life. After all, in Germany, right now it is 2:00 AM, and I woke up approximately an hour ago.
Even in our environment there are seemingly enough people who believe that inner balance would be the key to everything. Be a good girl, have an balanced daytime rhythm, get in touch with your inner self and everything will be fine.
Sorry, folks but... no. I just came from explaining a young and hopeful fantasy author that even the best-balanced daytime rhythm does not help me with my constant jetlag. When I am off my rhythm, even when I get enough sleep (let's for example say 8 hours) I do not feel refreshed and happy and in touch with my inner self, bleagh. I feel like torn out of the trashbag.
Some people really need to get of this "everybody can get along fine during the daytime" train. Some people simply can't. Owls can't. I can't. I have the possibility of comparing years of nightshift work with double the time of constant dayshift work and I must come to the conclusion that as long as I have a dayshift, I am only half as productive as I could be.
What upsets me more than that, however, is that I hear such bullshit from people directly connected to the German VC. Do these people know whom they are dealing with, after all?
Even in our environment there are seemingly enough people who believe that inner balance would be the key to everything. Be a good girl, have an balanced daytime rhythm, get in touch with your inner self and everything will be fine.
Sorry, folks but... no. I just came from explaining a young and hopeful fantasy author that even the best-balanced daytime rhythm does not help me with my constant jetlag. When I am off my rhythm, even when I get enough sleep (let's for example say 8 hours) I do not feel refreshed and happy and in touch with my inner self, bleagh. I feel like torn out of the trashbag.
Some people really need to get of this "everybody can get along fine during the daytime" train. Some people simply can't. Owls can't. I can't. I have the possibility of comparing years of nightshift work with double the time of constant dayshift work and I must come to the conclusion that as long as I have a dayshift, I am only half as productive as I could be.
What upsets me more than that, however, is that I hear such bullshit from people directly connected to the German VC. Do these people know whom they are dealing with, after all?
So here we go...
A blog. Eeeewww. After 16 years of being a Sanguinarian, I finally start blogging. I have tried it before. But it was a masquerade of words, generated to display a life which I was not leading. This would be my first attempt to really write about things that happen in my life. My real life. Not the one the Dayside is meant to see. But now that my website is back online, what good reason would prevent me from doing this? I can think of none currently. Good chance to give it a chance.
I will see where this gets me. And you,, dear reader.
I will see where this gets me. And you,, dear reader.
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