One step back in time - Thoughts and memories

A current discussion (just right now as I am typing these words) reminded me of something that happened 16 years ago. On the one hand I keep tinking about this on and off, on the other hand, it is always different thoughts that keek coming o my mind, connected with the same memory. The night that changed my life.

Many discussions I had about this incident in the VC, many of which were not exactely pleasant, but I will get back to this on a different note sometime later. At this very moment, my thoughts are occupied with the nature that lies beneath the surface of each and any of us. The Beast.

I have a pretty nasty incident behind me. That what everybody usually calls "Awakening" was not very "enlightening" or "awakening" for me, nor did it come slowly, or gradually, or during puberty. It was one single night and it was pretty... violent. It left scars on my body which I still have today. And I sometimes wonder if there is any good in this. People keep saying that you have to find something good in everything that happens to you, otherwise things will eventuelly drive you crazy. Now, I am not close enough to crazy yet, but I keep wondering about the good things in such an event.

The fact is: I think I might have found something tonight. After 16 years of pondering, ignoring, neglecting, things boiling up again, I finally come to a conclusion.

The things that happened to me might have helped in finally coming to terms with that part of our nature that is often hush-hushed away in discussions and public statements. We do have a violent, animalistic, predatory part in our personality. More than most "normal" human beings have. Thereians have it, too. Even those who don't drink blood. It breaks out with no or little warning sometimes, it can take control of our thoughts and actions. It can hurt people badly, verbally but also physical. The physical side of this beast has marked my body for the rest of my life. It reminds me that I am different, just in the same manner as the man is who has caused these marks. It gives me no room for the illusion that I might be just as human as everybody else.

For I am not. I am differrent in a sense. I feel it whenever I am underfed and hungry. I feel it when somebody crosses my territory, my friends, my private space. I feel it when someone pushes my red buttons. I mean the real evil ones, not just topics I don't like. I feel it when I notice there is somebody around who I don't like to have around, another vampire, for instance, that I don't consider friend, family or at least "no treat".

Sounds like game? Yeah, I know. This part I think, the games and books have copied from reality. It is no secret that certain authors of a certain game used to hang around places where they could have caught up something from the real world of darkness out here.

The Beast is there. It does not make us any more human than we were before we changed, no matter how and why we changed. It makes us less human with the years, I suspect because I sometimes feel this gradual loss of certain... things I used to have still years before. Enough stuff for a new post on a different night.

But what I really wanted to say is: Thanks, "dad", for reminding me of what I am. For as long as I will live.

Got stress er somethin'?

Hooray, I am perfectly healthy. Hormons: check. Thyroid glands: check. I have no condition. Once again. This is so tiring. Last night, I slept 14 hours. For no apparent reason. Once again. But I am perfectly healthy. How do I know that?

I know it when the docs ask me questions like "Got stress at the moment? Any psychological pressure? We could advise you to see a neurologist..."

This always happens when they find nothing. I have been through this all before, appr. 10 years ago. I decided to cut this crap for the moment, since I have a training to complete and only 15 days of lectures netto. I can't affort a catscan marathon just right now. May onwards, maybe. But not now. Not again. Not with the perspective of again finding nothing.

Same Old. Once again.

Same old. Same old youngsters, especially.

It is somewhat tiring to encounter them, even though everybody knows they are everywhere. You know the feeling? Someone enters the chatroom. Has one of THOSE nicks. Dark-Shadow-Bloody-something-ish. Acts like (s)he was the only one in this whole bunch who knows what a vampire is. Laments about how below-their-level normal human beings are. This time it was "Was this place created by a magical being? Or by a mere human? Sorry, no harm intended..." Claims some awkward stuff about how a vampire must be, otherwise he is no vampire. This time it was "Vampires have some sort of a supernatural hunting ability (speed, invisibility, attraction, fill in as you desire), otherwise..." you know the rest.

Now what happens when you verbally challenge them is extremely funny.

Sasha: "Okay, now you are a vampire. What is YOUR supernatural hunting ability then?"
Shadow-something: "Hm, what? I can't follow you."
Sasha: "Oh really? This was an easy question. What is your supernatural ability?"
Shadow-something: "Hm? I can't keep up with you. See, I am only chatting for two years, this is all a little complicated for me."
Sasha: "Okay, then slowly again for you. You say you are a vampire. You say vampires MUST have supernatural abilities. Otherwise they are no vampires. So what is yours?"
Shadow-something: "Gotta go, I am out of time. See you all later. Bye."

Now, was this question really so difficult? I kinda like this evasive attitude as soon as these super-old know-it-all folks who really just joined two days ago show as soon as they are confronted with their own statements. Not. It bores me. It makes me wanna scream "Hold it, butthead, ten dozends of your comerades tried this stunt before this year, they all failed. Like you. This SO BORES me..."

Why is it so extraordinarily difficult to simply say "Hi, I am new, can we simply talk?" Why do people seemingly so often wish to be older than just everybody else? Why do they need to claim supernatural superpowers beyond the weirdness our daily not-so-daily life already brings along? What fun is there in playing this lame "But I am the more vampish vampire than you" game?

I have been wondering about this so many times. Guess what... still no answer.

Health Issues

Looks like I finally could have a condition that can be determined: hypothyroidism. It is not sure yet whether I really have it or not, but I am in the middle of having it checked out. The symptoms at least all have slowly appeared over the last weeks. It runs in my family, females only, though. By now some of the symptoms have reached a nasty level.

For some strange reason, I would even be happy with that diagnosis. Knowing what is wrong is always better than this feeling of incertainty. I remember I went to the thyroid check 10 years ago but was sent home, nobody believed me, even though my values were bad enough to wonder. Just not bad enough to act, it seems. This would put an end to it, finally. Medication would probably work fine, a vamp acquaintance of mine has it too and she is very happy with the treatment.

Which again brings me back to the question of how things are sometimes intertwined.

Maybe, a few folks might possibly wonder "Maybe this was all about the thyroid? Maybe all the other probs go away as well?" Well, I dare a guess at the answer, saying "No, some things won't change". After all, these conditions don't match very well in their symptoms. I will just get rid of some problems maybe. Tiredness, throat aches, voice problems, weight problems which occured only recently, etc. Everything else will keep bugging me.

But having only half the trouble would be a good start, I think. I don't mind having two conditions. If it only means having half the trouble if one of them is treatable.

Poetic Justice

This night was very interesting. I learned something about my own past and offspring. By sheer accident. In our German chat, there was a somewhat elderly person with a long standing history of vampirism in Germany. We did not get along very well, because he loathes the US scene, for reasons he would not reveal. I was then told that supposedly, this man led a life that was supposedly "destroyed" by the surfacing of the US scene. I had to dig into it more deeply to understand this, and what I found is a really strange story. But back to the beginning.

Europe has an old scene, older than I originally imagined. First traces in the 80's in Good Old Britain. Offspins in Eastern and Middle Germany already in the late 80's and early 90's. I read a text that pinpointed Berlin as one of the cities where it started.

When I joined the VC in 1997, I was a sang already for 3 years. But I had not awakened by accident, out of the blue or during puberty. Someone had forced me into it. For years, this was a topic of heated debates. I fought against many people who dogmatically promoted that an externally triggered awakening, no matter how this is understood, is not possible. Politically, this reaction is understandable. The scene would otherwise be swamped with embrace requests. It is, anyway, I remember such requests all to well. But the political correctness of this statement does not change my life and my experiences.

Now comes the funny part. The event that triggered my "career" as a blooddrinker happened 1994 in Berlin. I always thought the man who well, did what he did was a solitary creature. The way he lived, the thoughts he promoted, this all appeared so weird to me that I believed, someone like him could not belong to any kind of community. But I also faintly remember we visited a shop in Berlin, and I remember the strange looks the owner gave me when he saw me in company of this person.

Details of this all aside, this man dropped me, left me alone, even mocked me. I had to find my own way. This, after all, is the reason why I joined the VC, created one of the first pages. Here, I found friends and support for many years. I was able to offer some of it, myself, after all. And now, many years later, I am part of the German scene which did not seemingly exist back when I started, or rather - what I now understand - was too secretive and inaccessible for me to find.

To make a long story short: This man in our chat who attacked me for no other reason than being part of the US-VC, whos lifestyle was supposedly destroyed by the US-VC, is part of a scene that might be the reason why I helped the US-VC emerging. Given, of course, that the man whom I met back in 1994 was possibly (not necessarily) part of it, too. But hey, early 90's, vampires, Berlin, wouldn't this be extremely funny if it was just a coincidence?

Now, isn't this paradox?

Vampspotting

Vampspotting is not a new film. It is no strange hobby (it might be for some tho). It is a phenomenon to which I grant this name. Many of us have experienced it before, no matter whether they are swan or vamp.

Swans do it. Sometimes they simply single you out, come up to you and "I know what you are". Bam, right in your face. Vamps do it. Sometimes you walk around and suddenly you see someone and you simply know it.

I was spottet several times. My first regular donor spotted me. I broke out in tears when he confronted me. I was only months "old" so to say. A religious fanatic did it. No pleasure. My sister did it. Grabbed me during a party and talked me into the topic out of the blue. I did it. I saw some of us, found out later I was right.

I have no real explanation why this happens. Why can swans single us out, why can vamps, is it the same phenomenon? I sometimes believe (I don't think I am alone here) that we, the vamps that is, have a certain "radiation", "aura" or "signature" that attracts the attention of certain people. And repells others. Those who feel attracted are swans and other vamps. Those who are repelled are... well, those who see us and react aggressive  for no apparent reason. Maybe it helps us to find out whom to trust. Where to find nourishment. I am not sure.

Sure I am that it is real and that it works. I have so many friends reporting the same phenomenon independently. People who don't even look goth or dark or vamp-ish report being vampspotted. Accident or phenomenon, it is there. And sometimes it scares the shit out of me. Sometime I think it is simply amusing. Like a game one can play when strolling around in the right areas. Makes me wonder if it could ever be proven. Pheromones, Kirilian photography, no matter how. It just makes me curious.

Brain @ work

Finally, my brain gets some food again. I have started to write a few translations for sanguinarius.org, partly, for the usage on the original page, but also for the potential benefit of a German support page. For some reason, this gets me more activated than some of my current academy stuff. The reasons for this are numerous and not very interesting, but it gives me hope. Right now, after these intense phases of exhaustion and sleepiness, this is a very welcome development. It gets me back to work within the community, it gives me food for thought for my own materials, German and English alike. It makes me think about future projects. It is difficult to imagine that over here, we never had one single polling or research on relevant topics. As to now, it is all rants, discussions, opinions and thougts.

On a side note: problems are the same everywhere. Right now, I am quarreling with some people gworing their own little garden of personal feudes and fights, disturbing the community, small as it is. One would think this happens all the time, but right now,  I have a certain yet vague feeling that something is "not as usual". Since the involved parties are soon to take part in a somewhat large-ish meetup, it concerns me. Yet, there is still 6 weeks to eventuelly resolve this potential problem...

Oh well. Back to writing.

Attack of the sleep monster

Been sleeping. I came back from the academy friday afternoon, 4 PM. Went to sleep. Woke up around midnight. Went to chat a bit. Became sleepy again. Went to sleep. Slept until noon. Went to do stuff, phone someone, chat a bit. Went to sleep. Another 8 hours. Now I am sitting here and wondering what the hell is happening here. Especially since most of my daytime sleep phases go totally dreamless, like some sort of weird "sleepy coma".

Guess I am out of... energy. Actually I wanted to write about something entirely different originally, but I think I will delay that for my own sake. I am just starting to feel somewhat acceptable, so no need to trigger anything that would make me feel even less comfortable.

Diggin' history

Right now, I am  digging the web for snippets of the past that I still remember. It looks as if my Google skills are slowly improving again, since I am starting to find stuff. And what I found is really amazing me. Someone did the work to preserve the old VRI guestbook (originally found at http://users.aol.com/LirielMc/private/vri.htm). Or at least parts of it.

http://members.fortunecity.com/thearchives/vri/vrimar.html

I have no idea who built this site. I will dare a guess and say Liriel placed it there as a last remainder of the page which was discontinued 2002 and taken offline 2005. The index page is not working anymore, also, the links within the document structure are dysfunctional, however, these pages still exist. For now, you can find them all by modifying the last thee letters before the .htm towards the remaining months names.This is, however, less than 20 percent of the original contents.

I have decided to save those pages offline for the moment and maybe convert them into .pdf for the sake of preserving them. Archive.org did it once again and preserved the old versions of the site until approximately March 2000. But it makes me wonder... So much material from the old times has simply vanished. I mean, what did we have back then? There was the Vampire White Pages. There was the VRI guestbook. There was an obscure little corner called the OOD. Shortly afterwards, HOM and the first growing sites and places. Those who made it saved the relevant files to a certain degree. But what about all my first emails, guestbook-discussions, the old-old VCMB stuff? I believe it is long gone. I cannot even find the first version of Sangis Bloody Minded board anymore on archive.org. The first preserved VCMB design is already a later version.

However, this example shows me that it is worth trying to find information long lost. I loved reading through all these old postings. Lolz we had... and a lot of rants and raves. And I was like... young... I better stop reading before I get all anachronistic and stuff...

The day I hated my life

...was today. I had soem sort of a frenzy-like fit again. It came out of the blue. Usually, I am not into moodswings, but recently, I had some of them. Could be due to the fact I am severely underfed. No, it is pretty likely that this is the reason. But there is yet another one: SNOW.

I loathe snow. I hate it so much by now that it makes me want to scream as soon as I see it. As a child, I loved snow. Last year, after all these debates on the changing climate, I wanted to see some snow again, since I haven't seen any in years. Yeah, some! Not tons of it. Now I have had enough of it for another two decades.

I hate it because my car is not snow-ready. No chains, summer-profile. I cannot move this damn soup-can until the snow is gone. It is snowing since Xmas, there was no single day until right now without friggin' snow. The last time I wanted to get home (which is appr. 300 miles away right now) I needed to take a train. And German trains are as unreliable as... fill in anything you like as long as it makes you scream. I nearly did not make it home because of all those delays and subsequently missed trains. Now I am virtually locked up in a city I hate, not able to get out.

This means I cannot get home to take care of my issues.
I cannot get to see any of my swans.
No way to see my family.
No way to see any goddamn person that means something to me.
Until this damn snow goes away or at least melts to a degree that enables me to drive again.

I just came from perking into the weather channel. Guess what.

Snow the entire nex week. Traffic warnings not even to use the car. They talk about winter-ready cars, mind you.

And I desperately need to be at home in 9 days from now.

This is the day I hate my life. Not because of being a vampire. (Which, on a side note, doesn't make it easier, but oh well.) But because of this friggin' SNOW. I just so hate it...

Crono-issues

Right now, directly out of an ongoing discussions, I need to think about this whole chronotype issue again and how it affects my life. After all, in Germany, right now it is 2:00 AM, and I woke up approximately an hour ago.

Even in our environment there are seemingly enough people who believe that inner balance would be the key to everything. Be a good girl, have an balanced daytime rhythm, get in touch with your inner self and everything will be fine.

Sorry, folks but... no. I just came from explaining a young and hopeful fantasy author that even the best-balanced daytime rhythm does not help me with my constant jetlag. When I am off my rhythm, even when I get enough sleep (let's for example say 8 hours) I do not feel refreshed and happy and in touch with my inner self, bleagh. I feel like torn out of the trashbag.

Some people really need to get of this "everybody can get along fine during the daytime" train. Some people simply can't. Owls can't. I can't. I have the possibility of comparing years of nightshift work with double the time of constant dayshift work and I must come to the conclusion that as long as I have a dayshift, I am only half as productive as I could be.

What upsets me more than that, however, is that I hear such bullshit from people directly connected to the German VC. Do these people know whom they are dealing with, after all?

So here we go...

A blog. Eeeewww. After 16 years of being a Sanguinarian, I finally start blogging. I have tried it before. But it was a masquerade of words, generated to display a life which I was not leading. This would be my first attempt to really write about things that happen in my life. My real life. Not the one the Dayside is meant to see. But now that my website is back online, what good reason would prevent me from doing this? I can think of none currently. Good chance to give it a chance.

I will see where this gets me. And you,, dear reader.