Another revisited topic - awakening vs. creation

Due to my incommunicado phases, things that happen just do so and I sometimes don't notice them to happen. What I am describig now is already a past event, but it has sparked some thoughts that want to be spoken just now, so bear with me.

Those who remember me from the very "past" past also know that I have provoked some debates due to my controversional ideas about how vampires come into being. I have pursued some then-current theories on a purely intellecutal level, but I have also always stated that someone caused my condition, and that I can pin it down to a name, date and course of action. This idea was extremely unpopular, since the general consens is that vampires are not "created", they awaken. Reasons for this are simple: most vampires cannot nail their self-realisation down to another person who caused their physical reaction to blood, the side-effects, the changes in their perception, body, mental state. We agreed to disagree, and eventually, I started to consider that there might be an effect that I labeled as "triggered awakening", meaning that we are still talking about the process of awakening as described, but some involved person took actions that enforced it. It would have happened anyway, just maybe significantly later. This, however, never gave me an explanation why some things in my human past never fit into the awakened vampires" scheme, like an early fascination about blood, the more radical changes in my appearance which exceed those during most described awakenings, first signs during adolescence or simply the fact that someone did something to me and only few months passed until something else happened - while he was neither present nor involved.

So, enough of that. Years ago, long after Diane, the US scene and during a phase where I was absolutely not involved into anything, I met my now best friend and first new family member. She told me that her "awakening" was triggered as well. And she could give me a name, place, date... oh well, coincidence, right?

Maybe. But a few months later, I found a donor for a while, who had no inclinations to blood-drinking whatsoever. A nice, young guy, trained in medical stuff, intellectual, slightly cynic, scientifically curious, but definetely no blood-drinker, not the kind of awakening-type. However, after a while, he started to describe some effects that sounded startingly familiar. I promised to be around, in case he needed help, but he did not like that whole mentor thing (long story which had to do with other folks, not even vamps, for that matter), and things changed in my life to the worse as well around that time. We lost contact eventually for approximately a year, and when I reconnected to the local scene, I talked to him again. We are still on good terms, no bad feelings involved, even though I was and still am extremely sorry for not having been able to help when I should have. Now guess what? He is a vampire. Sanguinarian, like me.

Guys, I don't believe in coincidences. At least I don't believe in coincidences being pack animals. One such story beside mine, okay. But another one, and then directly connected to my own life? Well... no.

So what does this mean, actually? I am not sure. But if there are psi-vamps and sang-vamps, and they have a lot of differences, why would it be so unreasonable to think that not even all sang-vamps are the same? Over here, the idea of one person causing another to become a vampire is not exactely popular either, but the disagreements about what defines vampirism are of a different nature. It seems to be an accepted thought that bloodthirst has something to do with an energetic imbalance, but without all the violent disagreements between psis and sangs. Our disagreements seem to be of a more, don't know... "moral" nature? But I will come back to that later (yes, the issue from my last post continutes...) Also, the general idea of different vamp-types existing is daily business. Same for diverging theories about our heritage.

Fact is, I was always a little scared of being somewhat "contagious". I refuse to donate to hospitals for that reason, even though my blood-type is fairly rare. I know that one of my earlier donors started to behave strange after a while, asking me questions that in my view aimed at wanting the confirmation that he is turning into a vampire, but his arguments were so silly that I convinced him that he was, basically, just full of false ideas about the subject. I still believe I was right in his case, but what if not? What if there is a kind of vamps that causes others to become vamps as well? There are numerous kinds of conditions out there which can both be inherited but also developed by other factors, so why not this one?

For the moment, I can only name a few common factors.

- we all donated to some blooddrinker for several times or in a somewhat extreme setting before things changed
- most of us drink more than commonly accepted as, well, acceptable (I definetely fall into the more extreme category)
- we all have developed problems with sun and light within months after the incidents, more or less
- we all seem to be no typical awakening candidates
- we all showed no warning signs during adolescence that are common during awakening

The technical aspects of how the blood was taken seem to be of no relevance, they were all different. Also, none of us took blood of that vampire involved seemingly (in my case I am not sure, though). The determining common factor seems to be the total amount of blood / energy lost in the process, either by intensity of the contact or the continuity of donations.

I am not yet worried about my donors in general - it did not happen to everyone. But if I will continue to notice such tendencies in long-term relationships, how am I supposed to react on this? No long-termers anymore? That would be difficult to accomplish. Donors don't grow on trees. The community is small.

For the moment, this will remain an intellectual problem for me. None of us who are in contact at the moment "plan" to spread our condition for the sake of finding out. (Come on, that would be pretty feakish, wouldn't it??) But if I detect other cases and similarities, be sure to find them here.

Hen vs. Egg reloaded... are we like this, for real?

Hello, Europe.

Okay, guys, now you really made me believe that reality imitates fiction. Either this, or some guy named Justin tapped into something real decades ago. I cannot explain otherwise why this kind of development would take place here and now. I mean, are we so predictable? Predictable enough that a piece of fiction points out a course of events that takes place 20 years later?

So what is happening here? Basically, I am in one of my incommunicado phases again. It happens. They get longer and longer, okay. But when I come back, I usually try to catch up on the news of my side of reality, at least in the more local communities. This week, I read over some message board and caught up on some indicents that happened recently. While I am not really able to go into any details (first, I was not there and second, I only have like, half of the info available even by reading), a part of the debate that evolved out of these incidents stunned me.

I tapped into a debate on social events within our society and how they should be conducted. Open and visible bleeding vs. socializing only. Etiquette vs. bleeding party. Self-discipline vs. the right to pursue our nature freely. Mind you, this was a real debate, conducted by real people. I read statements in the tone of "We have a certain etiquette because we need it in order to protect us one from each other." and "Who are you to dictate me that?"

While I purely and absolutely understand that an event X triggered a debate Y for the way people acted and reacted (assuming the descriptions were realistic and neutral enough to give me a glimpse on what really happened), I feel a little eery reading it. Are we like this? I mean, really? I know I had such a discussion on a smaller scale pretty much 18 years ago, but gosh, I thought this was one individual gone wild, and I thought I am the good gal, while he is he bad guy. Now I see a complete bunch of vamps leading the same discussion on a larger scale. Sooo, it looks like Germany is not going to have a Sang/Psi-debate, but rather an etiquette vs. instinct one.

Does anyone feel reminded of something?, I, for sure, do.
Can you guess the face I made when I read this?
Even more, where does this leave ME standing, after all what happened?

I sometimes wish I could just pick up the phone and ring a certain person. I assume, if he is still alive, he does not even have a phone, less a computer. I wish I could simply continue the debate we had before splitting up in anger. I would need to ask him a question. I wrote something about the origins of the German VC, but I deliberately left out a piece of well, something. I mean, I remember how people reacted on my "That guy made me the way I am"... I can only imagine how THAT would sound to you guys. Cryptic? Yes, maybe. But to be honest, I even feel funny while my cursor is hovering over the "Publish" button.

Just do me one favor, guys. If you decide to split into an "instinct" and an "etiquette" fraction over here, don't drag me in, okay?

In the same manner...

... some self-boasting.

Liriels old Link page

Yes, I was reported a broken link at that time, but since I restored that old page... makes me chuckle.

The Wheel 2.0

I did it. The thing just did not let me go. I believe, sometimes a little obsessiveness does a little good to all. I managed to restore the VRI Message Base Archives as part of my page by means of a 2001 Wayback machine capture. It is navigable by now, I placed it in the Miscellaneous section. Bear with the thing, I only made the integral linking structure work. I will not edit anything else. that's simply not meant to be done.

I mean... wow. I read this, and I remember. Not as clearly as if it had been yesterday, to pick up some of the clichés, but I do remember. It was 1997 and the following years. By the time the real communication lines were established, this board was obsolete, and by the end, it was trolled to death, but I read names from a past that have haunted me ever since. I may add that someone from this era only contacted me less than a year ago, I believe, totally out of the blue. It nagged me ever since to live with the impression that a wildly rumored "secret beginning" may be lost forever, with all its ups and downs. So hey guys, it is no secret and mysterious past in the depths and darks of our society. It is here, right before your eyes. It exists. We were there. We were Sasha, and Diane, and Craig, and Sangi, and Sphynx, and Namadie... we were all these people. Some of us still are.

The VRI has closed its doors in 2002. This is exactely 10 years ago. Even though I did not match this intentionally, I think it is a nice sidekick that adds to the uuhhh spooky historical feeling of it.

But please guys, no birthday letters, 'kay? I am already feeling really weird about this. Weird in a good sense. And in a sense that makes me feel a little older than 5 hours ago.

Re-Inventing the Wheel

I seem to have a habit of doing the same things several times.

Only minutes ago, I talked to a friend about having stored the VRI Message Base files from 1997 two years ago but never having been able to launch them as a piece of memory. He wanted to see them and what happend: whoosh I find out I don't have them anymore. Seems they did not survive one of my 3 pc shreddings in the near past. However, I found some of them again. Some - and less than the last time. The old things vanish tracelessly. I queried in the same manner (at least approximately) as the last time and I found them fairly quickly, a rudimentary version of them still lingers on some fortunecity page, since Liriels own site is down since nearly a decade. But this time I only found the files until January 1999, also missing the originally linking archive mainsite, and I know there were more. I remember them having been stored until they became obsolete by means of new means of communications. The last entries were troll attacks which caused the guestbook (which it originally was indeed) to produce wrecked code. But I am not sure how much has been lost. I saved what I found, beginning in March 1997.

I hope I might be able to install them as an asset on my subdomain. But first, I need an FTP program that will work with 64 bit... I am not able to use my old program anymore which sux big time.

Damn... I should have done that when I still had more of them...

Short update

By now, I have arrived in my new home. Posted to a  different country, which I instigated myself. I will spend the next 2 or 3 years here. The period during which I was moving was a bit stressing, and I am still not finished with everything, but I'll talk about this when I have a steady internet connection. At the moment, it's a bit on and off.

Weight issues: great development. I managed to implement a steady low carb diet here. Lost 9 pounds since my last posting. This was expectable. What is more funny is that I experimented with sugars and milk.

Fat free with cereals works okay. My favorite cookies (ate 4 of them, choc covered Oreos) made me feel sick. Felt like having eaten something wrong. Not in the sense of bad food, rather like sugar making me feel wrong. Dizzy, overfed and simply wrong.

Last but not least, cappuchino with full cream milk. It gave me the same bad feeling like after drinking too much milk.

I am sticking to vegetables, sea fruit and red meats for the moment. Veggies include tomatos, various lettuces, onions, garlic, cucumber, chilis and other fibre-rich, low-sugar, low-protein vegs. It works fine. I'll check a few other factors later.

Short diet summary

Ok, noticed I hadn't given any statement of summary on my diet experiment. Here we go.

I had accomplished to lose 15 pounds on the no carb diet. I kept that weight for quite a while, on a low carb base. A few months ago, just for the sake of experimenting, I tried a high carb week inbetween (mainly pasta and rice) for a variation. At first, not much happened, but with a little delay, I gained 4 pounds. My average weight gain delay seems to be something around 3 days.
Eventuelly I went back to a normal diet, simply for the lack of time (my no carb program involved cooking 3 times a day). I was back to the weight I started with within 6 months.
As some sort of emergency measure, I started to no carb again yesterday. 5 meals a day, generally the samw program, but no cooking on receipts, just adhering to the same or similar nutrition facts.
What can I say? 4 pounds less in 2 days.
I am really convinced now that for some reason, my body does not digest carbs very well. They result in instant weight gain. It also reminds me of the time when I started off as a sang, when I could hardly eat anything without gwtting stomache troubles. Protein rich food was always possible still, so I ran on egga, meat, milk (which I could digest much better than nowadays) and veggies as a supplement.
No carb basically is that. Protein rich food, veggies and nothing else.
For the moment I am happy enough to lose weight again. However, I am not sure about ewhat this means for the long term perspective on food.

SSDD - and - Running into problems vamps shouldn't have in real life

Yes, I have been out for a while, as usual. I keep falling out of the communities for longer periods ever and ever again. And I don't seem to blog a lot. It seems I have missed a few things. But then, nothing too serious or important.

The German community has reshaped a bit, the main community page has changed its location due to... well... stuff. Same inside, different outside.
I have missed a huge national convention. A thing that happens once in slightly less than a decade. I was told that I was missed there. Okay... well... yes. I simply lost it. I'll take the next chance. Whenever this is.

I am moving to a new country. It's just for the job and only for a few years. An abroad thingie, once more. More money, different location, same uniform. I have added another two years to do this. I originally planned to leave this little club in camouflage in slightly more than a year from now... oopsie-daisy. Things change.

The communities have the same turmoils again and again that I have seen over the last what... 14 years online now? And it just never stops being about sangs and psis. This os one of the few times where I must honestly admit being happy that the German scene is not so far ahead of the development and has smaller and "younger" problems. I'd rather debate the self-definition over and over and over again than being back to the old flame-war days (or rather, nights).

Anyway, back to the topic. The reason why I am writing this is a totally different one.

I am starting to become slightly paranoid. A few months, I was out to buy some ciggies. The shop owner caught me honestly surprised with the one question I hadn't expected in years. Age. "May I see your ID, please?" Whew, gimme a break, when did I hear this the last time... oh, right. Only a year ago, trying to get some beer in the UK. Oh, bugger.

Fact is, the good lady was close to a fullscale heart attack wen I showed my ID. She apologized over and over again (to be honest, it was annoying since I couldn't stop her from apologizing... she was really, honestly distressed. Started babbling about good genes in my family, I nodded, smiled, left.)

Okay. Now imagine this scene happened at a federal office. I had to apply for a new passport and a new driving licence only 4 weeks ago (ID documents are being turned into biometrical, digital, megafunctional bs-thingies over here now, I don't entirely like this development but hell, can't change the system). It all worked out fine. But I had a small pouch filled with fotos of me from the last couple of years. And then the documents themselves... My driving licence with a photo where I was 19 years old (mind you, different ages for driving licenses here). The ID with the image from the time I was 28. A federal ID with a picture which is fairly new. The only differences are... well.

I had shorter hair when I was 19. Then there is this semi-legally accepted image in b/w with long hair on my ID. I have my hair tied up neatly in a knot on my Army ID. With the new applications, I had to hand in totally new pictures. Biometrics and stuff. I am just really happy noone compared the biometric image, only a week old, with the other pictures. Because they all look friggin' same. Apart from one fact: I have gained a little weight.

I am really getting slightly afraid of this scenario. I mean honestly, isn't this a problem fictional vamps should have? I am starting to lie to new acquaintances about my age, but the other way around that other giels would do it. Rather, I do not tell them my age at all. Because strange things happen when I tell them (tried once). I could really do without this. Which does not mean I want to look older, honestly, I like the way I look and the way people below my age get along with me simply because they are not intimidated. But sometimes I wonder how long it will take before I run into a problem real life V's really shouldn't have.

An update on the diet thingie

Okay, two weeks now since I started this experiment. Where do I stand now?

First of all, the "better" feeling has not vanished. Rather, it has given me insights about a few things I do not get along with very well. Among those:

1. Sugars. Those days I tried to eat a larger amount of carb-based stuff (which in these cases were sugary things rather than pasta, potatoes or grains) I felt really eesh. My stomach did not really like me trying this.

2. Milk. Ouchie. Honestly, I love milk. And my body doesn't. Or rather, not anymore. Some people say it comes with age. Maybe I did not bear it very well all along. Pure milk makes me sick in no time. I haven't tried cheese, yoghurt or anything yet again. Will be an experiment for the second half of the period.

3. Combination of sugars and milk (hot chocolate, anyone?) No way. This really sucks.

Problem is: I am somewhat handicapped doing sports. At least cardio-training. Carbs deliver energy, which I don't get in this form anymore. Looks like my body needs to understand that proteins are available now, more than ever. Still, it's not the same kind of energy (I mean, there must be a reason for feeling so strangely different, right?)

Second, I eat a lot of proteins from natural sources now, and I lose weight doing that. Nearly 10 pounds in those slightly-more-than-2-weeks now. My weight is stable right now, but I guess this is due to the sugary experiments.

Funny sied-effects I cannot quite explain right now:

- my lethargy decreased
- periods of strong headaches started with the diet, which however seem to be over for the moment
- significantly decreased hunger (in the human sense of the word)
- more sleep for me
- slowly but constantly increasing vigilance

As I said, I have no idea how this is interconnected. It just happens. However, this puts me in a conflict. Originally, this diet plan was created for people who want to start their revamped diet with an extreme low carb phase, and then slowly add things from their former menus again to balance this lack of carbs with "good" (meaning starch-less or low starch) carb sources. I have no dea whether this will work for me. With a good human sense, what I am doing right now should not be able to work long-term for me. So, how to continue from here?

I guess I'll continue with the "add this product, see how I react, add the next, see again" type of variations. Until then, loads of jerky, poultry, veggies and tea.

BTW, the "no coffee, no alc" part honestly sucks. Been in boot camp 9 years ago. I could really do without that.

Re-vamping a diet plan

Could it be that simple? Pleeze let it be that simple.

Just trying to re-vamp my diet, on towards proteins, away from the carbs. I have done it for 4 days already and what can I day? I simply feel better. I can't even put it in words, what exactely is different. Partly, I feel more alert, less down, even though I constantly have a faint nagging somewhere in the inside of me telling me that something is missing (whatever it is, I have a guess it's not the carbs, tee hee).

I never tried it that strictly before, and I loathe cooking, even though I now do it. Constantly. Even for breakfast. Which I loathe equally, nonetheless I do it now. Sheesh.

It could be simply logical. When I looked in the mirror open-mouthed, what would I see? Teeth, right. Teeth which are not quite so omnivore as those of anyone else (I always knew that, accidently biting me at least every second week, but since I had a tooth refashioned with ceramic inplays and it was. Just. So. Different. And. Roundedged.... well, since then i notice the difference every time I touch this damn thing with my tongue. Which is about a subjectively felt million times a day.

Anyway. Teeth. Too sharp, too pointy (all of them, not only "those" ones), and all given by nature. Years ago, I had a discussion with someone (Inanna maybe, I am not 100 percent sure) about teeth and tearing up raw meat. I was told it should be impossible to tear certain muscle fibres with human teeth, thinks like heart and such. What can I say? Not for me. (Now guess how painful my occasional self-biting accident is...)

So I am a carnivore? Like in the sense of a f...ing Tyrannosaurus Rex? Maybe not quite, but it would seem so. I felt better years ago when I had a more carnivore diet than nowadays.

So, back to it. I am trying this since saturday. Looks like an ordinary low carb thing, which it basically would be, sort of. Meats, fibred veggies, eggs, end of list. Kinda at least, of couse, I drink, I spice the food, I forget this idea at times and pick at some fruits or sweets before I notice what I do.

But 4 days and I sort of feel better again. I don't do the scale-hopping-and-counting-thing right now, there may be an effect on my weight, and there may be not. But I think it is weird. Many people dieting on low carb report that they feel weakish and tired when they are too strict with themselves.

Carnivore, huh? Whatever. I'll keep an eye on this.

Attention... Dis-missed!

Today is my 9th anniversary of me being in military service now. Hooray. Not quite hooray, though, since exactely yesterday, I was informed tha my current contract will neither be prolonged nor will I ever become a full professional. End of carreer is approaching now, in absolutely exactely 3 years. Of which I may possible spend one year plus in resocialisation, schooling and other not-so-military environments.

So it's over soon. 3 years seem like nothing to me now. What did I do 3 years ago, after all? Came back from a long-term training, reintegrated into my unit, started all the chores in preparation for other long-term engagements which have only recently allowed me back home for good. Time literally flew. The next 3 years will presumably fly as well. But now I see it going somewhere.

Just where is this, after all? I now, only weeks, very few months ago, I ranted about the subjectively perceived lack of freedom in my life. The lies, the double-life, all that stuff about walking a line between to absolutely incompatible worlds. I should be raving-manic-happy about this. Freedom is approaching like the light at the end of the tunnel...

...which is a quite adequate comparison for me right now. After all, this freedom goes along with the death of my career. I never thought this way before (at least not during the last 3 years), but actually, I feel a loss I did not expect to occur.I was very close, recently, to withdraw my applications at least twice. But that's an entirely different issue. Voluntarily saying "Yep, it's over guys!" or being denied something under quite odd circumstances can hardly be compared. After all, it's not a lack of qualifications that denies me the follow-up career. It's also not bad grades in vital trainings, or anything like this.

I am too old.

Heck, a fairly new acquaintance of mine whom I hang around with about once a month just assumed I am only 24 years old. Last year, I was asked for my friggin' ID-card buying beer. And over and over again, when I tried to express my career problems (having no second chance to apply et al, complicated thing) to my superiors, they always (yesh, really always) dropped their chins to the ground acme style when I told them my age.

"No, really i would not have thought... you're kiding, right?"

Honestly? This so f***ing sucks!!!

I am being dismissed for being too old to apply. While every jerk and their neighbors dog think I am barely out of my early twens or late teens.

I am a woman. I should be friggin' happy about this, right? Right now I wonder how long it will take before I either catch up aging in rapid sped (which many folks report simply not to happen) or I start being questioned about ID card fraud.

Heck, yes, I am exaggerating. But this job thing is really getting the best of me right now. I will most likely catch myself fairly quickly. I have a thing with rapidly changing circumstances, remember? I am even already starting to make plans. Not job-related yet, but at least about moving. Somewhere. Just away from the places where I lived the last 16 years. Somewhere... dunno. Maybe where I can find more other Sangs. Or at least cool folks to hang around with. Or anything that distracts me of how sucky I feel right now.

The worth of emotion

Years ago, I started to notice that my emotions were starting to numb away. I remember when I first recognized this effect: it was when I received notice that a former donor had betrayed me in a pretty nasty sense. (Back then it was about a 3000 bucks telephone bill). No matter what happened in detail, I recognized that this was a moment where I was supposed to be very angry. However, I wasn't. No shock, no surprise, no belated emotional response somewhat later-ish, just this big nothingness, and inbetween, some cold calculation whether it was worth a payback or not. I came the conclusion, it wasn't worth it, anyhow.

The only close-to-emotional response I noticed within was the intellectual recognition that under normal circumstances this whould scare me shitless about myself.

Many times since then. I have hoped, begged, prayed that this process would finally complete and rid me of my emotions alltogether. I hate these unfinished things. Being somewhat emotional and somewhat numbed is a weird thing. It is unpredictable and inconsequent. And as a matter of fact, this process has developed pretty far until now. Many things don't touch me anymore. However, those emotions that remain have grown more intense. It is a very interesting occupation to observe which things still trigger me. Music sometimes does the trick. Special well-done emotional scenes in films as well. Fictional things most of the time alltogether. Not always, though. (see last entry...)

It makes me wonder what I should make of this.

After all these years, I come to believe that I will lose more of my ability to feel normal emotions. It seems to come naturally. It's just loike getting older. It feels like losing bits and pieces of myself. The parts that make me human. Does this mean I am kinda "losing my humanity"? Like in some roleplay, value decreased from 6 to 5 or something like this? I don't know. But this is the closest thing to a working description that I could give. This is how it feels. Like losing the human in me.

On the other hand, this makes these rare moments where I really feel extremely precious to me. Even if these emotions are sometimes fiction-triggered, they make me feel alive. At least beyond a working physiology (I do live, mind ya...). Even these moments which are painful.

How did I get here? I started writing this entry after reading a book which was sort of a fictional diary of the 3rd World War. It was written from a pretty personal viewpoint, and it ended, well, with the end of the world as we know it. The books last two pages made me cry.  Nevertheless it feeld good, because the emotion feels real. As real as the emotions I had on this sunny day in Scotland. And definetely more real than the numbness inbetween these moments.

I come to believe that my emotions have a high value for me, no matter what they offer me. I believe that I was young and unexperienced when I hoped they would dry ou finally. Even though I might have had my reasons. But I am not sorry for having had these thoughts. On the one hand, this is how I felt about it back then. And secondly, I simply can't feel sorry for it anymore.

My Scottish Non-Diary

Supposedly, a diary is something you write either on a daily base or at least somehow time-sensitive. I just decided to blog something from my journey to Scotland, which I started a few days ago (being the 19th) and which will end this Friday.

I am simply impressed by this part of the British isles. Not really and entirely because of all the clichés one would associate with Scotland, but rather due to some really strange thoughts that occured during part of my daily trips to various places all over here.

Let's start with last Tuesday. Apart from the usuall sightseeing, ruin-tripping and distillery-hopping that I already did last year and all the days before during this trip, I came across beautiful coastline somewhere in the very northern part of Scotland which is called Caithness. Originally I wanted to make a daytrip to the Orkneys, however, the car ferry turned out to be full and too expensive anyway. So I just drove around and stopped by some of those rare sandy beaches you  sometimes find here. I spent some time sitting on a dune, watching a crystal blue sea in the full sunlight (yes, you heard me). Of course, fully sun-blocked, long-sleeved and the hoody of my sweater on. I remembered my last "real" summer vacation which by now was 17 years ago. And which will most likely have been my last one. I noticed how the sun still prickled nastily on my 50+ protected skin after I dared some crazy and blunt exposure in the "just because I can" style. On the way back to my B&B home in Beauly (close to Inverness), I kept myself from crying. Successfully.

Sunday, I changed locations, away from Beauly, on to Isle of Skye where I will spend the rest of my vacation except the very last day, which is entirely devoted to Edinburgh. Since I am here, I feel much better. In a weird way. My new hosts are a gentle Gaelic couple with a nerdish son named Paddy (ain't that supposed to be an Irish name?!) and some 10 sheep, 2 geese, uncounted chicken, some horse I haven't seen yet, a dog and 3 cats. Right now, I am sitting in the living room, the family already being fast asleep, watching 3 sleeping kittehs while I type. Two are black and one is a lucky-red-black-white-spotted beauty.

The weather here made me curious. Gentle, wet and somewhat warm-ish air which is entirely hard to describe. While the weather forecast says 13 to 15 centigrades, it feels entirely warm and cozy here. Even when it rains. Okay, the good rain veriety, coming straight from above and raining straight down. Any other variety coming from various weird directions is pretty yuck. But this just feels as right as it could. I googled the Hebrides and found out that average winter temperature is 2 to 5 centigrades, and summer is 12 to 15. Outer Hebrides, though, but Skye doesn't seem to differ too far from this. The air seems to have this high humidity all throughout the year. They call Skye "The Misty Island", which is dead true. You simply don't know where the fog ends and the clouds start. The rare blue spots in the sky don't hurt me that much. The green of the heather meadows vibrates whenever only the dimmest light hits the ground, no matter of clouds or shine.

For the first time in my life I have found a spot in the world I could really grow to love. Barely any sun. Perfect temperature. Perfect air for me to breathe. Lots of cats and sheep (okay, the latter keep running away but still...) And barely a place where one house / croft / cottage is any closer than 300 meters to each other.

Addendum for today: Looks like I stumbled into this period's McLeods clan parliament. This village is just bursting full of people. McLeods from all over the world have come here. I don't see much of it since our house is far enough from the main village, however, whenever I drive through, it's kinda funny. Want some Scottish cliché? Kilted guys all over this place, bagpipe music in the community hall, you name it, we have it. Sheesh, call this a weird timing. Until this week I didn't even know Skye is McLeod's.

I guess I will go to sleep soon. My throat hurts a little bit, got into two storms at the coast and I guess this was a little much for my current health. At least, the female half of my hosts was happy to cater me with some tea and honey. After all, they already noticed what a late bird I am, how little I eat and how drowsy I am during the earlier part of the day (did I mention that I slept until 4 p.m. yesterday?)

Silly sad silence

Yes, I went incommunicado again. Yes, I am sorry. Again. My exams took the best of me, and I was a little nerve-wracked, so I withdrew myself from the public.

As usually, this is not the only reason. I get these phases once in a time when my life starts to freak out. Now it does, once again.

I have a strange feeling my vision of a vc breakdown became true since the largest and most valuable German forum is undergoing severe changes that need a good bunch of hard work to get things settled again and this may well (but need not) be the end of this community. I have seen such things happening once in a while. It can be figured out, though, but parallels are stiking me. Needless to say, around the time of my dream, nothing of this was manifesting.

Coincidence. Right.

Anyway. Maybe I'll write later. It's just to friggin' hot and all I have is a fan, no air-con or anything...

Sun.

Hooray. Spring is finally here, so is real sunshine. Tomorrow I'll be on a festival with a good friend. Makes me remember I keep forgetting things I should better remember.

Sun is nasty. I am virtually transparent. People recognize me usually when somebody describes them a "Remember this awfully pale..." I once sent a friend a picture from a party, where someone flash-shot me in a close-up. His reaction was "This looks bad. Get some tan. I mean it." How would I tell him now how badly I cannot?

It is not like I start burning when I get exposed. But it hurts. It shows after few minutes. Freckles in weird shapes and amounts first. (I did not have a Celtic skin when I was young, now I have it. I am not even a redhead. Go, figure.) Then the burns. I even got them by indirect exposure through windows. That should not happen, I suppose. Luckily, I was with someone with similar probs that day when it happened. So I did not stick out as weird. This was last year in summer. Now this time is approaching again.

And I must say I do not quite like sunblockers. I keep forgetting them. Because they are smelling like tourist roasing centres to me.

Makes me wonder about a few things but I noticed that some people do not recognize hints when they bark in their faces. I guess some things are too obvious to be true. Lucky me that I don't sparkle, eh?

Approaching the exams

I have been away for quite a while. It happens. I tend to go incommunicado when things are tensing up. And nowe that I am approaching some final exams (once again, seems I am never getting out of schools, academies and stuff like that alhough I am slowly ugrowing that stuff, really now!) and since I am feeling a little less tension now, just wanted to say: hi, I am still out there. I have not forgotten the translations and articles I am still up to and I will work on them as soon as I am back to my old self.

Now, what happened inbetween? A lot, and barely anything. I went to a VC meeting in Germany. Things I usually avoid, but I had friends to meet and friends driving with me. And it was an experience worth being made. For a number of reasons. The most obvious being: Vampires are people. Just as much as anyone else. Doing people stuff and showing people behavior. Not too surprising, after all, right?

Then, I had a long distance visitor from switzerland, a swan whom I really respect and admire for a number of reasons. A gifted and talented person she is, lots of brains and anything but shy. Lolz we had!

It is damn hard to try to fit 2 months into one single article, thus I will refrain from trying. It makes no sense. I have made up my mind about a few things but I can hardly write as many articles as I had thoughts on issues concering v-things. But rest assured, I also wasted a lt of wonderful, splendid time just on taking a break from academy, enjoying the fact that there is no more SNOW although spring is creeping in slowly this year. The leaves are still somewhat thin-ish and small even though it is nearly May. I just caught a May beetle in my working room. They are somewhat annoying since they usually come in masses. And they bite. And I cannot keep my window open at night anymore. Oh did I say I am on full night schedule again at thze moment? I am already worrying about how to handle this problem whe getting back to my normal duty. And guess, I can think of no proper solution right now.

Oh well. More soon. At least I want to split it into several articles.

Life suxx... literally

Sometimes life suxx. There's little more to say.
On a second note... why not.

Stupidity suxx. A friend of mine gave me the wrong information about which mobile net he is using. I got the number, could have researched it myself, but I trusted his intelligence (he is intelligent, rather). Now I pay the bill for it. 300 bucks extra mobile costs for a wrong information. Guess how I responded in my last email to him.

Education suxx. It drains the last bit of energy out of me. I am spending and wasting time while I could already be working on my upcoming homework. But this week I have to be present for things not really useful. Oh well.

Driving suxx. I have to be home this weekend, which means 600 miles of driving (return included). Just to be here on monday, receive my homework and go back home. Another 90-something extra bucks wasted for driving.

People suck as well. Everybody gets on my nerves. I am not talking people dear to me but people I cannot stand and which I don't need. Sheesh...

So please bear with me while I am being incommunicado. Things just literally suck at the moment and I need a break...

Strange dreams, embarassing symbols

I had one weird dream this night... I hate when this happens. Sometimes, after such weird dreams weird things follow up that match these dreams too closely. Bad thing is, however, that the feeling of whether this is one of "these" dreams and what exactely would happen (or when, even) usually is too faint. The last time this happened in full effect (dream plus consequences) is 9 years ago. Back then, it was a strange and frightening dream, which I reported to only one, two friends, and what happened was about half a year later. But the connection, despite the long distance of time, was painfully obvious.

Now, back to the present case. Usually, when there is a heavy rainstorm outside, I dream of rain and spiders. Or at least of rain. Not this time. I dreamt of a pretty freakish scenario. It was one ordinary, beautiful day. I was living wit my family (I had a husband and children, could you imagine? I can't...) and then suddenly, I was informed (I can't remember how) that a comet was about to hit the earth and destroy everything. We were all pretty desparate. But frankly, our main concern was: why did the  government not inform us in due time? We suspected it was because they would not want us to break lose in total chaos, since nobody could change anything about it.

Strange enough, life  around us went on as usual. No panic, no riots, no specials on TV, no nothing. We ourselves went on as usual as much as we could. Only thing was that we went out of the house when it was supposed to happen because we knew we were not safe inside the house anyway, and we wanted to  see it coming. When the countdown was over, we saw nothing, and nothing happened. We were informed later (again, no Idea how) that a) some brave folks were able to make this comet pass with only little harm (it had to do with the ocean but I don't get that part straight) and b) the comet was only to affect vampires. Not all life on earth. Me and my family were shocked to the bones. After all, we all had been vampires. The kids included.

Now gimme a break... vampiric kids? A comet that only affects vampires?? Come on, folks! That is so lame, even WW had it before me! This is embarassing!! (Meh... at least it was not a red comet...)

If anything, I am willing to interpret this stuff metaphorically. Maybe as "something that might have a deep and destructive impact on the VC at large or in my region" at best. Something potentially harmful for everyone (even for later generations) that can be prevented, be turned into something less harmful or even good by a few main actors. But I have absolutely no clue what tis would be. Or, as I said, whether this will happen at all. Or when, if.  But I feel warned. It was a dream scary enough to be one of "those" dreams. They do sometimes come in weird metaphors.

Even made me confused enough to completely forget where I parked my car. Thus walk the distance twice. Thus be late for academy. Oh well.

One step back in time - Thoughts and memories

A current discussion (just right now as I am typing these words) reminded me of something that happened 16 years ago. On the one hand I keep tinking about this on and off, on the other hand, it is always different thoughts that keek coming o my mind, connected with the same memory. The night that changed my life.

Many discussions I had about this incident in the VC, many of which were not exactely pleasant, but I will get back to this on a different note sometime later. At this very moment, my thoughts are occupied with the nature that lies beneath the surface of each and any of us. The Beast.

I have a pretty nasty incident behind me. That what everybody usually calls "Awakening" was not very "enlightening" or "awakening" for me, nor did it come slowly, or gradually, or during puberty. It was one single night and it was pretty... violent. It left scars on my body which I still have today. And I sometimes wonder if there is any good in this. People keep saying that you have to find something good in everything that happens to you, otherwise things will eventuelly drive you crazy. Now, I am not close enough to crazy yet, but I keep wondering about the good things in such an event.

The fact is: I think I might have found something tonight. After 16 years of pondering, ignoring, neglecting, things boiling up again, I finally come to a conclusion.

The things that happened to me might have helped in finally coming to terms with that part of our nature that is often hush-hushed away in discussions and public statements. We do have a violent, animalistic, predatory part in our personality. More than most "normal" human beings have. Thereians have it, too. Even those who don't drink blood. It breaks out with no or little warning sometimes, it can take control of our thoughts and actions. It can hurt people badly, verbally but also physical. The physical side of this beast has marked my body for the rest of my life. It reminds me that I am different, just in the same manner as the man is who has caused these marks. It gives me no room for the illusion that I might be just as human as everybody else.

For I am not. I am differrent in a sense. I feel it whenever I am underfed and hungry. I feel it when somebody crosses my territory, my friends, my private space. I feel it when someone pushes my red buttons. I mean the real evil ones, not just topics I don't like. I feel it when I notice there is somebody around who I don't like to have around, another vampire, for instance, that I don't consider friend, family or at least "no treat".

Sounds like game? Yeah, I know. This part I think, the games and books have copied from reality. It is no secret that certain authors of a certain game used to hang around places where they could have caught up something from the real world of darkness out here.

The Beast is there. It does not make us any more human than we were before we changed, no matter how and why we changed. It makes us less human with the years, I suspect because I sometimes feel this gradual loss of certain... things I used to have still years before. Enough stuff for a new post on a different night.

But what I really wanted to say is: Thanks, "dad", for reminding me of what I am. For as long as I will live.

Got stress er somethin'?

Hooray, I am perfectly healthy. Hormons: check. Thyroid glands: check. I have no condition. Once again. This is so tiring. Last night, I slept 14 hours. For no apparent reason. Once again. But I am perfectly healthy. How do I know that?

I know it when the docs ask me questions like "Got stress at the moment? Any psychological pressure? We could advise you to see a neurologist..."

This always happens when they find nothing. I have been through this all before, appr. 10 years ago. I decided to cut this crap for the moment, since I have a training to complete and only 15 days of lectures netto. I can't affort a catscan marathon just right now. May onwards, maybe. But not now. Not again. Not with the perspective of again finding nothing.