Another revisited topic - awakening vs. creation

Due to my incommunicado phases, things that happen just do so and I sometimes don't notice them to happen. What I am describig now is already a past event, but it has sparked some thoughts that want to be spoken just now, so bear with me.

Those who remember me from the very "past" past also know that I have provoked some debates due to my controversional ideas about how vampires come into being. I have pursued some then-current theories on a purely intellecutal level, but I have also always stated that someone caused my condition, and that I can pin it down to a name, date and course of action. This idea was extremely unpopular, since the general consens is that vampires are not "created", they awaken. Reasons for this are simple: most vampires cannot nail their self-realisation down to another person who caused their physical reaction to blood, the side-effects, the changes in their perception, body, mental state. We agreed to disagree, and eventually, I started to consider that there might be an effect that I labeled as "triggered awakening", meaning that we are still talking about the process of awakening as described, but some involved person took actions that enforced it. It would have happened anyway, just maybe significantly later. This, however, never gave me an explanation why some things in my human past never fit into the awakened vampires" scheme, like an early fascination about blood, the more radical changes in my appearance which exceed those during most described awakenings, first signs during adolescence or simply the fact that someone did something to me and only few months passed until something else happened - while he was neither present nor involved.

So, enough of that. Years ago, long after Diane, the US scene and during a phase where I was absolutely not involved into anything, I met my now best friend and first new family member. She told me that her "awakening" was triggered as well. And she could give me a name, place, date... oh well, coincidence, right?

Maybe. But a few months later, I found a donor for a while, who had no inclinations to blood-drinking whatsoever. A nice, young guy, trained in medical stuff, intellectual, slightly cynic, scientifically curious, but definetely no blood-drinker, not the kind of awakening-type. However, after a while, he started to describe some effects that sounded startingly familiar. I promised to be around, in case he needed help, but he did not like that whole mentor thing (long story which had to do with other folks, not even vamps, for that matter), and things changed in my life to the worse as well around that time. We lost contact eventually for approximately a year, and when I reconnected to the local scene, I talked to him again. We are still on good terms, no bad feelings involved, even though I was and still am extremely sorry for not having been able to help when I should have. Now guess what? He is a vampire. Sanguinarian, like me.

Guys, I don't believe in coincidences. At least I don't believe in coincidences being pack animals. One such story beside mine, okay. But another one, and then directly connected to my own life? Well... no.

So what does this mean, actually? I am not sure. But if there are psi-vamps and sang-vamps, and they have a lot of differences, why would it be so unreasonable to think that not even all sang-vamps are the same? Over here, the idea of one person causing another to become a vampire is not exactely popular either, but the disagreements about what defines vampirism are of a different nature. It seems to be an accepted thought that bloodthirst has something to do with an energetic imbalance, but without all the violent disagreements between psis and sangs. Our disagreements seem to be of a more, don't know... "moral" nature? But I will come back to that later (yes, the issue from my last post continutes...) Also, the general idea of different vamp-types existing is daily business. Same for diverging theories about our heritage.

Fact is, I was always a little scared of being somewhat "contagious". I refuse to donate to hospitals for that reason, even though my blood-type is fairly rare. I know that one of my earlier donors started to behave strange after a while, asking me questions that in my view aimed at wanting the confirmation that he is turning into a vampire, but his arguments were so silly that I convinced him that he was, basically, just full of false ideas about the subject. I still believe I was right in his case, but what if not? What if there is a kind of vamps that causes others to become vamps as well? There are numerous kinds of conditions out there which can both be inherited but also developed by other factors, so why not this one?

For the moment, I can only name a few common factors.

- we all donated to some blooddrinker for several times or in a somewhat extreme setting before things changed
- most of us drink more than commonly accepted as, well, acceptable (I definetely fall into the more extreme category)
- we all have developed problems with sun and light within months after the incidents, more or less
- we all seem to be no typical awakening candidates
- we all showed no warning signs during adolescence that are common during awakening

The technical aspects of how the blood was taken seem to be of no relevance, they were all different. Also, none of us took blood of that vampire involved seemingly (in my case I am not sure, though). The determining common factor seems to be the total amount of blood / energy lost in the process, either by intensity of the contact or the continuity of donations.

I am not yet worried about my donors in general - it did not happen to everyone. But if I will continue to notice such tendencies in long-term relationships, how am I supposed to react on this? No long-termers anymore? That would be difficult to accomplish. Donors don't grow on trees. The community is small.

For the moment, this will remain an intellectual problem for me. None of us who are in contact at the moment "plan" to spread our condition for the sake of finding out. (Come on, that would be pretty feakish, wouldn't it??) But if I detect other cases and similarities, be sure to find them here.

Hen vs. Egg reloaded... are we like this, for real?

Hello, Europe.

Okay, guys, now you really made me believe that reality imitates fiction. Either this, or some guy named Justin tapped into something real decades ago. I cannot explain otherwise why this kind of development would take place here and now. I mean, are we so predictable? Predictable enough that a piece of fiction points out a course of events that takes place 20 years later?

So what is happening here? Basically, I am in one of my incommunicado phases again. It happens. They get longer and longer, okay. But when I come back, I usually try to catch up on the news of my side of reality, at least in the more local communities. This week, I read over some message board and caught up on some indicents that happened recently. While I am not really able to go into any details (first, I was not there and second, I only have like, half of the info available even by reading), a part of the debate that evolved out of these incidents stunned me.

I tapped into a debate on social events within our society and how they should be conducted. Open and visible bleeding vs. socializing only. Etiquette vs. bleeding party. Self-discipline vs. the right to pursue our nature freely. Mind you, this was a real debate, conducted by real people. I read statements in the tone of "We have a certain etiquette because we need it in order to protect us one from each other." and "Who are you to dictate me that?"

While I purely and absolutely understand that an event X triggered a debate Y for the way people acted and reacted (assuming the descriptions were realistic and neutral enough to give me a glimpse on what really happened), I feel a little eery reading it. Are we like this? I mean, really? I know I had such a discussion on a smaller scale pretty much 18 years ago, but gosh, I thought this was one individual gone wild, and I thought I am the good gal, while he is he bad guy. Now I see a complete bunch of vamps leading the same discussion on a larger scale. Sooo, it looks like Germany is not going to have a Sang/Psi-debate, but rather an etiquette vs. instinct one.

Does anyone feel reminded of something?, I, for sure, do.
Can you guess the face I made when I read this?
Even more, where does this leave ME standing, after all what happened?

I sometimes wish I could just pick up the phone and ring a certain person. I assume, if he is still alive, he does not even have a phone, less a computer. I wish I could simply continue the debate we had before splitting up in anger. I would need to ask him a question. I wrote something about the origins of the German VC, but I deliberately left out a piece of well, something. I mean, I remember how people reacted on my "That guy made me the way I am"... I can only imagine how THAT would sound to you guys. Cryptic? Yes, maybe. But to be honest, I even feel funny while my cursor is hovering over the "Publish" button.

Just do me one favor, guys. If you decide to split into an "instinct" and an "etiquette" fraction over here, don't drag me in, okay?

In the same manner...

... some self-boasting.

Liriels old Link page

Yes, I was reported a broken link at that time, but since I restored that old page... makes me chuckle.

The Wheel 2.0

I did it. The thing just did not let me go. I believe, sometimes a little obsessiveness does a little good to all. I managed to restore the VRI Message Base Archives as part of my page by means of a 2001 Wayback machine capture. It is navigable by now, I placed it in the Miscellaneous section. Bear with the thing, I only made the integral linking structure work. I will not edit anything else. that's simply not meant to be done.

I mean... wow. I read this, and I remember. Not as clearly as if it had been yesterday, to pick up some of the clichés, but I do remember. It was 1997 and the following years. By the time the real communication lines were established, this board was obsolete, and by the end, it was trolled to death, but I read names from a past that have haunted me ever since. I may add that someone from this era only contacted me less than a year ago, I believe, totally out of the blue. It nagged me ever since to live with the impression that a wildly rumored "secret beginning" may be lost forever, with all its ups and downs. So hey guys, it is no secret and mysterious past in the depths and darks of our society. It is here, right before your eyes. It exists. We were there. We were Sasha, and Diane, and Craig, and Sangi, and Sphynx, and Namadie... we were all these people. Some of us still are.

The VRI has closed its doors in 2002. This is exactely 10 years ago. Even though I did not match this intentionally, I think it is a nice sidekick that adds to the uuhhh spooky historical feeling of it.

But please guys, no birthday letters, 'kay? I am already feeling really weird about this. Weird in a good sense. And in a sense that makes me feel a little older than 5 hours ago.

Re-Inventing the Wheel

I seem to have a habit of doing the same things several times.

Only minutes ago, I talked to a friend about having stored the VRI Message Base files from 1997 two years ago but never having been able to launch them as a piece of memory. He wanted to see them and what happend: whoosh I find out I don't have them anymore. Seems they did not survive one of my 3 pc shreddings in the near past. However, I found some of them again. Some - and less than the last time. The old things vanish tracelessly. I queried in the same manner (at least approximately) as the last time and I found them fairly quickly, a rudimentary version of them still lingers on some fortunecity page, since Liriels own site is down since nearly a decade. But this time I only found the files until January 1999, also missing the originally linking archive mainsite, and I know there were more. I remember them having been stored until they became obsolete by means of new means of communications. The last entries were troll attacks which caused the guestbook (which it originally was indeed) to produce wrecked code. But I am not sure how much has been lost. I saved what I found, beginning in March 1997.

I hope I might be able to install them as an asset on my subdomain. But first, I need an FTP program that will work with 64 bit... I am not able to use my old program anymore which sux big time.

Damn... I should have done that when I still had more of them...

Short update

By now, I have arrived in my new home. Posted to a  different country, which I instigated myself. I will spend the next 2 or 3 years here. The period during which I was moving was a bit stressing, and I am still not finished with everything, but I'll talk about this when I have a steady internet connection. At the moment, it's a bit on and off.

Weight issues: great development. I managed to implement a steady low carb diet here. Lost 9 pounds since my last posting. This was expectable. What is more funny is that I experimented with sugars and milk.

Fat free with cereals works okay. My favorite cookies (ate 4 of them, choc covered Oreos) made me feel sick. Felt like having eaten something wrong. Not in the sense of bad food, rather like sugar making me feel wrong. Dizzy, overfed and simply wrong.

Last but not least, cappuchino with full cream milk. It gave me the same bad feeling like after drinking too much milk.

I am sticking to vegetables, sea fruit and red meats for the moment. Veggies include tomatos, various lettuces, onions, garlic, cucumber, chilis and other fibre-rich, low-sugar, low-protein vegs. It works fine. I'll check a few other factors later.

Short diet summary

Ok, noticed I hadn't given any statement of summary on my diet experiment. Here we go.

I had accomplished to lose 15 pounds on the no carb diet. I kept that weight for quite a while, on a low carb base. A few months ago, just for the sake of experimenting, I tried a high carb week inbetween (mainly pasta and rice) for a variation. At first, not much happened, but with a little delay, I gained 4 pounds. My average weight gain delay seems to be something around 3 days.
Eventuelly I went back to a normal diet, simply for the lack of time (my no carb program involved cooking 3 times a day). I was back to the weight I started with within 6 months.
As some sort of emergency measure, I started to no carb again yesterday. 5 meals a day, generally the samw program, but no cooking on receipts, just adhering to the same or similar nutrition facts.
What can I say? 4 pounds less in 2 days.
I am really convinced now that for some reason, my body does not digest carbs very well. They result in instant weight gain. It also reminds me of the time when I started off as a sang, when I could hardly eat anything without gwtting stomache troubles. Protein rich food was always possible still, so I ran on egga, meat, milk (which I could digest much better than nowadays) and veggies as a supplement.
No carb basically is that. Protein rich food, veggies and nothing else.
For the moment I am happy enough to lose weight again. However, I am not sure about ewhat this means for the long term perspective on food.

SSDD - and - Running into problems vamps shouldn't have in real life

Yes, I have been out for a while, as usual. I keep falling out of the communities for longer periods ever and ever again. And I don't seem to blog a lot. It seems I have missed a few things. But then, nothing too serious or important.

The German community has reshaped a bit, the main community page has changed its location due to... well... stuff. Same inside, different outside.
I have missed a huge national convention. A thing that happens once in slightly less than a decade. I was told that I was missed there. Okay... well... yes. I simply lost it. I'll take the next chance. Whenever this is.

I am moving to a new country. It's just for the job and only for a few years. An abroad thingie, once more. More money, different location, same uniform. I have added another two years to do this. I originally planned to leave this little club in camouflage in slightly more than a year from now... oopsie-daisy. Things change.

The communities have the same turmoils again and again that I have seen over the last what... 14 years online now? And it just never stops being about sangs and psis. This os one of the few times where I must honestly admit being happy that the German scene is not so far ahead of the development and has smaller and "younger" problems. I'd rather debate the self-definition over and over and over again than being back to the old flame-war days (or rather, nights).

Anyway, back to the topic. The reason why I am writing this is a totally different one.

I am starting to become slightly paranoid. A few months, I was out to buy some ciggies. The shop owner caught me honestly surprised with the one question I hadn't expected in years. Age. "May I see your ID, please?" Whew, gimme a break, when did I hear this the last time... oh, right. Only a year ago, trying to get some beer in the UK. Oh, bugger.

Fact is, the good lady was close to a fullscale heart attack wen I showed my ID. She apologized over and over again (to be honest, it was annoying since I couldn't stop her from apologizing... she was really, honestly distressed. Started babbling about good genes in my family, I nodded, smiled, left.)

Okay. Now imagine this scene happened at a federal office. I had to apply for a new passport and a new driving licence only 4 weeks ago (ID documents are being turned into biometrical, digital, megafunctional bs-thingies over here now, I don't entirely like this development but hell, can't change the system). It all worked out fine. But I had a small pouch filled with fotos of me from the last couple of years. And then the documents themselves... My driving licence with a photo where I was 19 years old (mind you, different ages for driving licenses here). The ID with the image from the time I was 28. A federal ID with a picture which is fairly new. The only differences are... well.

I had shorter hair when I was 19. Then there is this semi-legally accepted image in b/w with long hair on my ID. I have my hair tied up neatly in a knot on my Army ID. With the new applications, I had to hand in totally new pictures. Biometrics and stuff. I am just really happy noone compared the biometric image, only a week old, with the other pictures. Because they all look friggin' same. Apart from one fact: I have gained a little weight.

I am really getting slightly afraid of this scenario. I mean honestly, isn't this a problem fictional vamps should have? I am starting to lie to new acquaintances about my age, but the other way around that other giels would do it. Rather, I do not tell them my age at all. Because strange things happen when I tell them (tried once). I could really do without this. Which does not mean I want to look older, honestly, I like the way I look and the way people below my age get along with me simply because they are not intimidated. But sometimes I wonder how long it will take before I run into a problem real life V's really shouldn't have.